


The Hottest Thing You'll Ever Read

by urgaylol



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Bad references, EriSol - Freeform, General snarkiness, Hand Jobs, Humanstuck, M/M, Oral, Sexual Content, Smut, there's so many sexual tags but only like an 8th of it is sexual, very mild racism, wet dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-04 21:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5348390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>     However, right now you are being faced with someone who makes you throw all that “judge not lest ye be judged” shit out the window, simply because he looks like possibly the biggest tool you’ve ever laid eyes on.</p><p> </p><p>From the tumblr promp: You come into my coffee shop looking like an asshole so I find more creative ways to misspell your name every day</p><p> </p><p>Update: This thing is finished, the updated that's happening is just me messing with the coding</p><p>Update again: I mildly regret the title I chose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Announcement

~~This fanfiction will be taken down in about a month and a half. Why? Because it's terrible and I regret it greatly. Anyway, I'll be replacing it with a new one I will have written.~~

~~~~

~~~~

~~I made a new email account. If you want a copy of this trash bag, email me at spoopymormonhelldream69@gmail.com and I will send you a copy. Just make sure it dies with you.~~

Ok, so I'm honestly too lazy to email all the people back, so I decided to leave this up even though it's a hole of burning shame. For the love of god, please read one of my other works. Except for "I love you more than I hate capitalism", that one sucks too.


	2. The One With A Ton Of Time Breaks

**Disclaimers: I don’t own Homestuck, or any of the characters. I also don’t own Monty Python, Game Grumps, My Immortal, Portal, Earthbound, Star Trek, Minecraft, Contact, Smash Brothers, Friends, Michael Buble, Billy Joel, or anything else I might have referenced. Also, Billy Joel, sorry I put you in a shitty gay fanfict.**

 

You didn’t consider yourself one to judge based off appearance. You strived to spend your life as open-minded as possible. Perhaps it stemmed from the fact you’d grown up bisexual. Or Asian. Or a bisexual stereotypical Asian uber-nerd who knew more about coding a cold, hard machine than paying attention to and making the acute observations to humans needed to be judgmental.

            However, right now you are being faced with someone who makes you throw all that “judge not lest ye be judged” shit out the window, simply because he looks like possibly the biggest tool you’ve ever laid eyes on.

            His clothing is somewhat businesslike, black, and obviously tailored. You have to admit his fashion sense is superb; tight in all the right places, giving him the appearance of a walking sculpture. However, he’s wearing a godforsaken violet scarf, which is possibly the most pretentious thing anyone could wear. Despite how nicely the purple clashes with the black, it gives him the appearance of being, honestly, a huge douche.

            You’re a barista at a local coffee shop (gotta pay for college and you’re too skinny to be a stripper) so you’re floored with hundreds of hipster students per week. However, this guy is the first one who has even come close to pulling off the look (right down to the think-rimmed black glasses) and that pisses you off. He nears you, and you get the first hint of his voice.

            Not that he’s talking to you. He’s chatting away with someone on the phone as he nears the front of the line. His voice is slightly whiney, and sounds vaguely Scottish. The customer in front of him hands you cash and you count the change with ease. The hipster douche steps up, and looks up at you like you’re a piece of dirt he found under his perfectly filled fingernails. With a slight roll of his eyes he tells the person on the other end of the phone to give him a sec as he orders.

            “Quad shot white chocolate raspberry mocha with soy, please.”

            “Name?”

            “Eridan.”

            Wow. A pretentious drink for a pretentious name. Was he a motherfucking prince? You decide that he’s probably the worst person who’s ever ordered coffee from you in the whole six months you’ve worked here. It takes you way too long to make his drink. You don’t bother asking how to spell his stupid name and don’t even use your best guesswork. You figure ‘Airiden’ is close enough and hand him his drink, catching your reflection in one of the many oversized rings he sports. You snicker slightly to yourself as you see him scorn the sharpie on the side of his cup.

 

* * *

 

            It's the next morning when you see him again. Perhaps he’s decided to make this his permanent hipster hideaway. He stands before you, with a strained a look on his face as he tries to look down on you despite being a few inches shorter. He gives up and settles for the same dirt-under-the-nails look he gave you yesterday.

            “Quad shot white chocolate raspberry mocha with soy.”                              

            “Na-“

            "Eridan” He enunciates a little too much, but you suppose you know why. So of course you go the childish route and hand him a drink marked ‘Aridanne’. He gives you a glance like you might just be the stupidest person he’s ever managed to order coffee from before making a noise of annoyance and sharply turning on his heels.

 

* * *

 

            You feel a little bad about being an asshole until he comes in the next day. He’s wearing a purple bowtie and a plum-colored duster that cuts off almost at his knees. It’s unbuttoned and looks slightly cape-ish, and yet he somehow manages to pull even that off. Not actually pulling the clothes off his body, slowly, and stepping towards you with a bite of his lip, not that at all. You simply mean he obnoxiously has the nerve to wear dumb clothing and yet still look like he walked out of an extra hipster edition Ralph Lauren catalog.

            “Quad shot white chocolate raspberry mocha with soy.”

            You try not to smile. “Name?"

            “Er-i-daaan. With an ‘E’ dipshit.”

            “I’m hurt.” You mock as you go to make his drink. You write ‘with an E dipshit’ on his drink and hand it to him.

            He lets out a grossly charming snort, turning his head away in hopes that you won’t catch him smiling. He looks back with a stern gaze, starts to open his mouth, but gives up. He leaves you with a slight smirk on your mouth and a strange sense of disappointment that he hadn’t picked a fight.

 

* * *

 

            “I’m telling you Radia, he’s the most obnoxious human I’ve ever seen. He owns at least three different black dress shirts, but they all have slightly different coloring of sliver fastenings on them. He orders a quadruple shot white chocolate raspberry with motherfucking soy milk.” You’re on the phone with your best friend Aradia, discussing the seventh deadly sin (soy milk).

            “Does he wear purple?”

            “How did you know?”

            “He sounds like a friend of Karkat’s. He just moved here. I know he’s probably an asshole, but try to be nice.”

            “Radia. He forced his way under my skin. He’s human sand paper.”

            “Sollux. You’re obsessed. Have you been getting enough sleep? Get out of the dorm. The outernet.” She snickers. “Take a bath, Sollux. Bring candles. Rub one out. You’re far too tense.”

            She’s probably right. Your hatred obsession can’t be healthy.

 

* * *

 

 (Eridan’s point of view) AN: This is the only Eridan pov in the story it’s just here because I said so

            You have to look nice. You consider your style royal-metrosexual, although this group of plad-clathed preppy looking students seems to think you look more like an overly dressed purple mer-prince. They giggle and stare as you walk past. You put up your middle finger at them.

            You waltz into your favorite coffee shop. Entrances are extremely important. You figure if you walk in like you own the place, maybe someday you will. You don’t particularly like the coffee, and it may be a bit out of your way, but you find yourself returning to it every day anyway. Your barista seems to have taken it upon himself to annoy you with “creative” misspellings of your name. Last time you were here you made the mistake of almost laughing at what he wrote. Now you have to correct it. Can’t have him thinking you want to be the best of pals.

            Because even though you lately have been striving to be more open-minded, you weren’t sure you were ready to be around someone so tattered looking.

            Under his apron you could see a tee shirt that looked like it was the same age as you. He wore no product in his hair, his jeans had several unintentional holes in them and by the looks of the rest of him, his shoes were probably in tatters. The most annoying part was that his facial features were right on the edge of gorgeous, and he obviously could have looked fantastic if he tried. You mentally tried dressing him in your style but found yourself finding the new him slightly less endearing. You curse yourself for thinking he was endearing in any outfit, and realize why he makes you so angry. The lack of style somehow managed to suit him. You felt a twinge of jealously. Not that you didn’t enjoy spending forty-five minutes every morning making yourself stand out.

            “Quad shot-“

            “white chocolate raspberry mocha with soy.” He finishes for you. He’s complete with a little lisp on every ‘s’. Merry Kwanza to you.

            “Name?”

            You’re slightly hurt that he remembers your order and not your name, when you remember that he’s an asshole and probably only doing it to piss you off.

            “Sydney Sanderson.”

            He scoffs. “Mock the lisp, that’s original. I didn’t realize my third grade bully was here.”

            “Maybe it’s really my name.”

            He scoffs again. You briefly take note of his eyes, one an off color brown and the other a bright blue. A heterochromiac with a lisp.

            When you get your drink, there’s not really a name. It’s not your fake name either. Actually, it is your name, if your name was spelled f-u-c-k-y-o-u. You roll your eyes and your lip attempts to twitch into a smirk.

 

* * *

 

 (Back to Sollux)

            It’s come to be a daily routine for you. To be honest, as irritating as he is, he’s come to give you some fun. You’re lucky that he hasn’t called for your manager yet, although he seems to be somewhat obsessed with hating you as well. You both seem to treat it like a game, but you have no idea what it means to win.

            When he walks up you try not to notice the slight sway in his hips or the way his pout makes you want to punch him in the face. You focus instead on the many cocktail rings that he’s paired with his clothes as he stands before you.

            “My name is Eridan. E-r-i-d-a-n. Not that hard to spell.”

            “Sorry, princess. Guess my brain has been clouded with more important things.”

            “Or maybe your terrible spelling sense stems from your eyes being so sli-“ He brings a hand over his mouth and swears.

            “What kind of white shit did you just utter?”

            “I’m so sorry.” He has a look of panic on his face that actually seems to be the most sincere expression he’s had in your vicinity. “I hate your everything but I didn’t mean to say that and I’m ashamed that I thought that. I’m working on it.”

            "Well, that's fine as long as you don't mind me relentlessly mocking you for it until you die.

            “Keep the change.” He says. He pulls out a fucking fifty. Normally you’d think he was doing it to lord himself over you but in this instance you take it with some amount of pleasure. You’re not really pissed off or offended. It almost makes you like him just a little, because maybe all of his pretentious nature was developed through his upbringing. And he is trying to change. However, that aside, he’s still a giant tool, and still makes you angry, even if you feel a bit bad for him.

            You write ‘fight me, Eridan’ on his drink.

            You catch him smile.

 

* * *

 

            One second after your shift has ended, your phone buzzes. It’s from your rich but somehow still likable friend Feferi.

CC: )(ey Sollux! I wanted to invite you out to dinner with me and a friend.

TA: what tiime? al2o, what kiind of place? liike a you place or a me place?

CC: Like a “me” place Sollux, but don’t worry! I’ll pay! 38)

TA: can ii briing 2omeone?

CC: Yes you can bring Aradia. Alt)(oug)( it’s a nice place so dress appropriate!

TA: dre22 apropriiate probably ha2 diiffrent meaniing2 to u2.

CC: Just please wear clot)(ing wit)(out )(oles in it? Please?

TA: iill do iit just for you, ff.

CC: I’m sure everyt)(ing whale go….

TA: fef no

CC: SWIMMINGLY! Fef yes 38)

CC: I’ll pick you up at 6.

CC: NO )(OL-ES!

          You groan loudly. Still, you’re always happy to see Feferi even if she sometimes can take those fish puns a little

overboard.

           God damn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I wrote this half a year ago. I've come so far. 
> 
> Also I find this mildly cringe worthy in this day and age. Read my other ones, they're better.


	3. The One With The Restaurant That Made Me Hungry To Write About

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I got most of the grammer fixed from my file conversion

            No holes. You briefly wonder if maybe a shopping trip should be something in your future, but decide that you would rather continue eating than looking nice. You decide on simply borrowing a shirt from your roommate. Well, actually, you take the outfit your roommate’s boyfriend left on the floor (Karkat is far too short for you to fit his clothes). You wonder briefly how he managed to get back home without it. You’d ask but he’d probably just tell you it was a Strider thing.

            Luckily, Dave had worn something relatively nice and hole-free. Grey pants, a simple red dress shirt. It’s a little tighter than what you’re used to. You ignore the warnings in your head telling you that Karkat will flip his shit when he finds out you're wearing his boyfriend’s clothes. Whatever. You look nice and think Kanaya would approve. Your phone buzzes.

CC: I’m outside, Sollux!

CC: Are you ready to go?

TA: iill be out iin a miinute ff.

CC: No )(oles? Besides the required limb and )(ead )(oles? 380

TA: ii wore somethiing niice. remember, ii diid thiis for you. dont get u2ed two iit.

            You walk out the door and see Feferi waving from a car that is far too nice. She waves at you, and you slide into the passenger seat. The inside smells like new leather and the lack of scuff marks makes you scared to put your feet anywhere. Feferi eyes what you’re wearing and looks suspicious.

            “Sollux, when did you start dressing like Dave?”

            “When he started leaving his clothes on the floor of my house.”

            Feferi looks at you like a mother about to scorn her son for breaking another child’s canyons. “Sollux, borrowing without asking is wrong”

            “I’m poor. Being poor is wrong. Student debt is wrong. Minimum wage being so low is wrong, FF. I'm only 20 and in debt. Thats's wrong.”

            Feferi sighs but you can tell she’s trying hard not to laugh at you. Maybe she’s just snickering at how tight Dave’s shirt is. Why does Dave wear such tight clothing?

            “Dave owed me one anyway.” That part was true. Dave got you to hack Karkat’s computer and phone so that every time he typed ‘fuck’ it would instead say something more along the lines of ‘golly gee’ or ‘dandy damn dern it!’.

            “Sollux, do we need to pick up Aradia?” Feferi says this with a slight tightness of her lips.

            “Ya. You don’t have to act like it’s such a chore.”

            “Sollux, you know I like Aradia. I just don’t particularly like what happens to where she lives at night.”

            “Fef, not all of us get to live in a mansion. Oh look, it’s Gamzee. That means we’re in the right part of town.”

            Feferi looks concerned again. “I never understood why Gamzee hangs around this part of town. He’s probably the only person here with enough money to make a choice where they stay.”

            “It doesn’t matter. We’re almost there.”

            Feferi refuses to get out of the car as you go to get Aradia. She says something about ‘wanting to make sure her tires didn’t get slashed in this terrifying atrocity of a neighborhood’.

            Aradia thankfully wore something without holes either, a pretty red dress to match her standard red lipstick. She eyes you up and down with a smirk. “Wow Sollux, I didn’t know you idolized Dave that much.”

            You roll your eyes. “FF said no holes so I did what I had to do.”

            “Sure Sol. How do I look?”

            “If I wasn’t a married man I would ask you to the ball and copulate with you on the dan-“

            “Sollux! Let’s go!” Feferi is feigning impatience but you know she’s simply irked by the scene of this place. You don’t blame her; Aradia is even worse off than you when it comes to money or living in a place that’s not infested with tweakers.

            “So.” You ask Feferi, getting back into the car. “Is this friend like a you person or a me person?”

            “Oh my god, Sollux, he’s rich. That doesn’t mean he’s horrible.”

            “I think” Aradia says “Feferi is attempting to tell you to shut the fuck up and stop complaining about being poor.”

            You sigh dramatically. You figure Feferi might act extra tense tonight. She always gets like that when she’s worried other people will be monitoring her actions. So you’ll try to act more respectable than usual. At least more respectable when you get to the restaurant, but now you’re still in the car.

            “Ok FF, I promise that I’ll try to use silverware and I won’t pour anything directly into my mouth like a peasant.” Aradia and Feferi giggle.

            “Oh Sol, I don’t know why I hang out with you.” Feferi says with a smile on her face.

            “A lack of self-respect.” Aradia offers.

 

* * *

 

            Feferi parks the car while you and Aradia make your way to the front of the restaurant. It’s a seafood place, of course. By the looks of the people making their way into the building, you figure you probably should have brushed your hair a little more. You spit comb your hair with your fingers, and are given a look of disgust by a familiar face leaning on wall of the restaurant. Of course he’s here; this is totally his kind of place.

            “Aradanny” You say.

            “Sydney Sanderson” He replies.

            “Cape douche.”

            “Lispy asshole.”

            “Uptown girl.”

            “Downtown man.”

            “Eridan!” Feferi cuts it. Wait, they know each other? They probably went to private high school together, or something equally nauseating.

            “Sollux, this is the friend we’re meeting. But I see you’ve already met each other!” Feferi gives you a desperate ‘please be good Sollux’ look. “How did you two meet each other? Or do I not want to know.”

            “He’s my barista. And he’s taken it upon himself to annoy me every morning by pretending he doesn’t know how to spell my name.”

            “Your name is hard to spell.” you lie “And besides, it’s not like you were completely innocent.”

            “I did nothing wrong!” he starts. His gaze changes suddenly. “At least I did nothing wrong at first. You were the one who started it.”

            You’re about to pipe up and say that he started it by walking into your store wearing materials that cost more than your classes did when Feferi stops you.

            “Well, this is, uh, interesting!” Feferi is starting to look slightly panicked as Aradia tries to stifle her laughter, unsuccessfully, in the background. You start to feel a little bad for Feferi.

            “Don’t worry, FF, we won’t fight tonight.” You glance at Eridan and he nods in agreement.

            You make your way into the place. If you’re being honest, you have to say it’s absolutely stunning. The ceilings are high, the place is bright and alive and deep blue, with lovely stained glass paintings of fish and mermaids. Feferi and Eridan look right at home: Feferi’s pink dress complements her full figure, coffee colored skin and the blue of the walls, while Eridan’s choice of black pants and purple ascot makes him look like a handsome mermaid dick. Not like an actual dick, but like a dick as in an insult. You almost bang in to a waiter, distracted by not thinking about dick.

            From the moment you’re seated, Feferi begins asking everyone polite and interesting questions, partly to make sure you and Eridan don’t take any jabs at each other. You learn a little about Eridan as the conversation goes on. You find out he grew up rich and is on his own for the first time. You learn he’s actually been trying pretty damn hard to rid himself of the bigoted beliefs he grew up with. He jokes that although people like him more now that he’s more open-minded, it makes it harder to maintain a superiority complex. You realize that you don’t hate him. You realize you simply clash with him. He gives you a burning desire to pick a fight with him. He irritates you, and yet you find yourself enthralled by his conversation. He’s honestly interesting. He’s funny and witty and sometimes makes a mockery of himself. He’s arrogant but so aware of it you have to respect his honesty.

            And he loves to brag about himself. You almost open your mouth to insult his honest-to-god fox hunt story, but are whacked on the knee by Aradia.

            Your phone buzzes about seven times and you quickly excuse yourself. You make your way to the bathroom and lean against the cleanest men’s room wall you’ve even seen.

CG: SOLLUX.

CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING DANDY DAMN DERN IT DID YOU DO WITH DAVE’S CLOTHES.

CG: WHY THE SHIT CAN’T I SAY GOLLY GEE GOSH.

CG: SOLLUX YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO ANSWER ME BEFORE I DUMP THIS TRAY OF ICE ON YOUR FLOOR.

TA: karkat. chiill. ii’m here.

CG: GREAT! YOU KNOW WHAT’S NOT HERE? DAVE’S CLOTHES! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE, MY UNBELIEVELY SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A ROOMMATE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M SO HAPPY I WANNA TAKE YOU OUT TO A BALL AND TOUNGE YOUR GENITALIA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOTIN’ TOOTIN’ DANCE FLOOR.

CG: I MEANT GEE WIZ.

CG: FUQ YOU SOLLUX! WHAT THE HELL MUST I HAVE DONE IN A PAST LIFE TO DESERVE THIS? WAS I HONESTLY JOSEPH STALIN?

TA: ii was iin a hurry. iit was eiither hiis clothe2 or your clothe2 and ii diin’t need the whole world 2eeiing my ankle2.

CG: WHATEVER. JUST PLEASE RETURN THEM AND DON’T MAKE IT A HABIT. OTHERWISE I WILL SHOVE AN UMBRELLA UP YOUR URETHRA.

CG: I’M SERIOUS DON’T THINK I WON’T

CG: I HAVE THE UMBRELLA RIGHT HERE. AND AFTER I SHOVE IT IN, I WILL OPEN IT.

            You love Karkat but he needs a hobby that doesn’t involve pain and torment and to learn to chill. Aradia said the same thing about you, you guess. But compared to Karkat, you’re riding the groovy waves of life. You start to head back when your phone goes off again. It’s Dave.

TG: yo sollux

TG: i borrowed some of your clothes

TG: everything you own is kinda shitty

TG: no offence youre a bro but i mean common sollux go shopping

TG: did you know that you own an actual minecraft t-shirt

TG: youre nineteen not some 12 year old with access to his parents credit card and too much ritalin

TA: why diid you borrow my clothe2?

TG: because you borrowed mine and although i would be fine gracing the world with my naked body in my walk home I figured it was cold enough for me to nip an innocent bystander to death

TA: you were here when ii left thii2 morning? ii thought you were gone.

TG: nah i was on the balcony

TG: well i didnt start on the balcony but thats not important

TA: you had 2ex with Karkat on my 2hiity apartment balcony?

TG: yea

TG: you didnt?

TA: unle22 a drunken blowjob iin our ba3ement count2, no.

TG: well I recommend it

TG: actually no hands off

TG: anyway just return my clothes when youre done

TG: ill give you yours back tomorrow morning

TG: on an unrelated note youre getting some thrift store gift certificates for your birthday

            You put your phone back in your pocket and almost start to head back when another chorus of buzzing starts up.

TG: sollux

TG: what the actual fuck

TG: why do you own an actual pair of heelys

TG: fuck sollux where do you even find these in an adult size

TG: i mean how did you even find these in an adult size because im definitely not already searching on amazon

TA: dave are you 2eriious? tho2e where a joke giift from aa. ask her where 2he found them.

TA: unle22 you want them.

TA: iif you admiit you want them theyre your2.

TG: you act like liking heelys is a bad thing hell no

TG: im not embarrassed to love something so fucking perfectly ironic

TA: 2ure, iironc.

TA: ii got two go.

TG: alright ill just be rolling along my way

           You head back to your table. They all seem to be enjoying themselves. You’re just happy that Feferi isn’t about to implode anymore.

          “Sorry. Karkat was threatening me with various cold and wet objects.”

          “Karkat Vantas?” Eridan says, looking surprised.

          “Yea.”

          “Oh. I should say hi to him at some point.”

          You’re not sure what’s more surprising; the fact that Eridan could stand Karkat or the fact that Karkat could stand Eridan.

          “So” he starts politely “are you two related?”

          “What? You think that just because we’re both Asian we-“ You start to say, but you are cut off by Feferi aiming her foot straight at your already bruised knee. “I mean, no, we’re not related. But we’ve know each other so long we might as well be.”

         “By the way, I really am sorry I said that to you.”

         “Well, you did give me a sincere apology.” You hope he ignores the way you butchered the word sincere.

         “I have to admit changing my mindset to be more open was a little difficult. Being gay helped me a little. It’s the only minority I’m a part of.”

         You can’t help but scoff a little. He narrows his eyes at you. “Don’t tell you you’re homophobic.” he says “I’m supposed to be the bigoted one.”

         Aradia answers for you. “Sollux isn’t homophobic. Sollux is just a bisexual man who met a lot of gay guys who thought that he needed to choose between men and women. Well, actually he met a lot of people who thought he should choose but was particularly hurt by other members of the gay community saying that.”

         Eridan looks surprised. “I didn’t know that was a thing. I actually didn’t know what bisexuality was until quite recently. My parents barely bothered to tell me what gay people were.”

         A waitress with a pretty face takes your drink orders (you order something with honey) and hands you your menus. For the first time in your life you neglect to eye the price tags.

          “I think I’ll order her. Yum.” Now it’s Aradia’s turn to be kicked by Feferi.

          “Sorry Feferi.” she says “I’ll stop objectifying the wait staff.”

           Feferi looks at you strangely. “Do you need any help figuring out what to order? Need me to recommend something?” She continues her gaze. “The food here is kinda rich, Sollux.”

           Eridan smirks. You suddenly understand why Feferi is so concerned.

           You shoot Eridan a look. “Feferi, just because I over ate on rich food and threw up at your 13th birthday party doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it again.”

           Eridan mouths ‘did you really’ and you give your coldest stare “Besides, Aradia barfed too. Maybe the food was just bad.”

           Aradia laughs. “Sollux, I barfed at that party from giggling too hard at you trying to fit an entire cake slice in your mouth.”

           Eridan rubs his temples. “Are you two done discussing vomit?”

           Your waitress returns. You decide on ordering the prawns coated with honey, because, honey. You are determined not to vomit in front of Eridan. You suddenly realize that there’s way too many forks and that the table cloth is completely white and that you and Karkat have been eating nothing but peanut butter, taco shells, and bell peppers for the last two days. At least Aradia seems happy with the food choices.

           “Why does everything take so long here?” Aradia asks Feferi.

           “Fancy places usually take longer to do everything so we can have time to converse each other. I think it’s nice.”

           There’s a long and slightly ironic pause before Eridan starts talking.

           “So, Fef, are you currently seeing anyone? I heard from a little flying fish that you had a new girl.”

           Feferi looks slightly embarrassed, but is saved from answering by the food coming to the table. You have to admit it’s the best looking food you’ve ever seen in real life.

           “Wow.” Aradia says “This smells like the ocean if the ocean smelled good.”

           Eridan looks slightly offended for just a second as if he was somehow attached to the smell of the ocean. However, he gets over it quickly as he begins gracefully dining on his lobster. You’re somewhat fascinated by the way he eats. You find yourself watching as you absentmindedly scarf down your food. It’s a shellfish; he should be making a mess. But somehow he’s managed to keep everything but the tips of his fingers clean. He catches you staring and raises an eyebrow.

           “Gonna take a picture Sol?”

           A light blush creeps to your ears. “If the sauce touches your fingers, do you melt?”

           With a roll of his eyes he sticks his ring finger directly into his pot of cocktail sauce and slides it between his lips. His eyes flutter shut for just a moment and a jolt runs through you. If your ears weren’t red before they defiantly were now.

           Feferi looks at you strangely. She opens her mouth, probably to tell you that you shouldn’t feel embarrassed if you need to barf. You mouth ‘I’m fine’ at her before the words escape her lips because you cannot handle one more mention of vomit tonight.

           You quickly try to change the subject. “So anyway Feferi, you were gonna tell us about this new girl in your life?”

           Feferi gives a light laugh. “Ok fine. So you guys know Nepetta?” Eridan nods and Aradia ‘oooh’s.

           “You mean that nice girl obsessed with cats?” you ask. “A fish and a cat, that’s so perfect. What do you guys even do together? Make bad puns and talk about how nice you are?”

           “We do more than just make puns at each other. If we did that all the time I’d be punimpressed.”

           You, Eridan, and Aradia all groan loudly while Feferi laughs manically. Speaking of fish, you should probably finish your shrimp because everyone else seems done eating. You attempt to shell your last shrimp perfectly like Eridan did with his but give up and settle for ripping the tail off with your teeth. Eridan shoots you a look and fake-gags.

           Feferi calls for the check.

           “So, I wanted to tell you all that my birthday is coming up.” she says. “And I’m having a party at my house again.”

           “Will there be cake?”

          “No Sollux, there will not be cake. I’ve lost my appetite for cake ever since you barfed up frosting at my 13th birthday party.”

          You groan. So vomit was going to be mentioned again.

          “Don’t feel bad, Sollux.” she says “When Eridan first moved here, we went to Applebee’s and he threw up about eight times.”

          You give a victory smirk at Eridan, his face scrunched into a scowl. He opens his mouth “Ok, can we just make an agreement to not ever talk about vomit again? Please.”

* * *

           

            You actually had a really nice night. Aradia keeps thanking Feferi for giving her the fanciest meal of her life and Feferi obviously seems happy with the attention. However, this does mean that you and Eridan are forced to awkwardly walk beside each other while they chat away.

            He finally breaks the silence. “So, have you ever eaten at a restaurant like that before?”

            This is probably some trap to get you to admit how poor you were.

            “No. What gave it away?” You’re not sure why you’re asking. “Was it my awkward demeanor or the fact that I cried twice when I remembered I didn’t have to pay?”

            “You stabbed a shrimp with a salad fork.”

            “You’re awfully observant.” you snap. Seriously, does he actually think you care what a salad fork is?

            “So are you.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “Nothing.” He rubs the back of his head and stops in front of a gleaming purple sports car. Feferi hugs him and he shakes Aradia’s hand. Feferi pushes you to do the same.

            He reaches out a slender wrist and you grab his hand tightly. Maybe too tightly: he tightens his grip and you two spend about ten seconds having some sort of hand-squeezing contest. Feferi clears her throat, leaving neither of you to receive the honor and glory. You both pull away and you trace the fingernail-marks he left embedded in your palm. And then he’s getting in his car and is off.

            “So, did you have a nice night, Sollux?” Feferi asks.

            “I did, FF. You were a great host. I got a free meal.”

            “I really appreciated you trying to get along with Eridan.”

            “You know, Sol, he doesn’t seem that bad.” says Aradia. “Maybe you just have some prejudices of your own.”

            You shrug.


	4. Notice me senpai

Hey what's up this is just me telling you that I'll have the grammar updated sooner than later. Also y'all should go play/watch Undertale I just killed Sans yes I am a sinner.

UPDATE: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE PROCESS OF REVISION IS SO MUCH FUN

The above line was written by my also-arts major boyfriend who has taken it upon himself to edit this. As you can see from his comment, he is enjoying himself and not being sarcastic. Angelo, go to bed.


	5. The One With Binary Code n' Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the formatting is slightly off I'm not great at converting files

             You’re back at work. You really did have a nice time last night, even the part when Karkat flipped out at you when he got home. You like to think of it as him expressing himself. After Karkat yelled himself to sleep you finished your homework and even brainstormed some ideas for a new coding project. You hoped Jessie Eisenburg would be proud. Wait, Jessie Eisenburg wasn’t the Facebook guy. He just played him in the movie. Wait, now it’s bugging you. Who the fuck invented Facebook? You should know this. It’s going to bug you all day.

            Right on cue, Eridan arrives carried by his usual strut. Smiling at the lack of a line, he glides his way to you.

            “I trust you know my name by now.” he says.

            “Yes.”

            “And I trust you’ll mark it down wrong.”

            “Mark Zuckerberg!” You finally remembered. You realize he has no idea why you just shouted out Mark Zuckerberg’s name.

            He looks at you with mock concern. “I know you’re a geek but tone it down. There is more to life than the internet.”

            You shake your head. “No that’s not what I meant. Wait, how would you know I was a geek?”

            “Please. Judging by the way you dress and hold yourself I’d say that you are highly skilled in mathematics and computer science. You probably got into it when you were younger, along with an obsession with Super Smash Brothers Melee. I’m guessing you only went out of the house on rare occasions. As you got older and finally shaved off the pathetic mustache you tried to grow, you found it hard to cope with the fact that you were attractive enough for people to start expressing interest in you. So you took up being snarky to cover the fact that your social skills and self-esteem aren’t great because you’ve spent most of your life working with cold, hard machines.”

            You open your mouth a few times. About fifteen seconds pass as you stare at each other. You’re determined to hold eye contact and not blush.

            “Did FF tell you about the mustache?”

            He laughs. “Quad shot white chocolate raspberry mocha with soy.”

            You make his drink and try to understand the emotions and thoughts running through you. You’re angry, that’s for sure. But you’re also intrigued. You’re not surprised that he figured out you liked computers, that was unbelievably obvious. You are surprised that he sees through your snark. You’re not even sure you ever managed to see through your snark before. But you know that he’s at least somewhat right and that ticks you off beyond belief.

            He also called you attractive and that makes your blood burn even more than his insults.

            You write ‘100110 110101’ on his drink.

            He scoffs for about the eighth time since you met him. “Like I’m actually gonna bother looking up what that means.”

 

* * *

 

            It’s three am and you can’t sleep. You’re not really an insomniac, and you did the same thing tonight that you do every night. You worked and messed around on your lap top until Karkat came home from his job (baby-sitting) and ate dinner. Usually you were out around one like a rock. But tonight you’re far too tense to sleep and your shitty brain won’t shut up. You briefly consider taking Aradia’s advice and rubbing one out, something you haven’t done in far too long (pun intended). However, any time you try, your mind’s eye flashes you images of you punching Eridan right in his perfect nose, so you give up. You decided on messaging Aradia. You usually call Aradia but you don’t want to wake her up if she’s asleep.

TA: hey aa you up?

AA: hey sol

TA: you make fun of me for dre22ing liike dave but you two type pretty much the 2ame way.

TA: almo2t the 2ame color two.

AA: i c0uld always type like this instead

TA: what are you doiing up 2o late anyways?

AA: chatting with eridan

TA: why would you ever want two talk two hiim.

TA: he2 ear sandpaper, remember? he wiill forever be iin the back of my braiin cau2iing me more damage than ii ever could two my2elf.

TA: what are you two even talkiing about?

AA: why d0 y0u care

AA: y0u hate him remember

TA: hate ii2 a 2trong word.

TA: ii ju2t thiink he2 a major jacka22.

AA: if y0u must know we were talking ab0ut y0u

TA: what kiind of 2tuff about me?

AA: ah y0u w0uldnt be interested

TA: iif youre talkiing about me of cour2e ii want to know. iits human instiinct. 2orry that ii couldnt be above all that.

AA: eager beaver there s0llux 0_0

TA: ii2 iit good 2tuff or bad 2tuff?

AA: first tell me why y0u want t0 kn0w

TA: 2iience Radiia.

AA: the science of being painfully stubb0rn maybe

TA: what are you iimplyiing?

AA: 0h n0thing

AA: just that y0u might be

AA: pr0jecting

TA: no way. no way aa that2 crazy. ii liiterly couldnt jack off toniight becau2e ii kept thiinkiing about punchiing hii2 2itty preten2iiou2 face.

AA: y0u were thinking ab0ut him when y0u were trying t0 jack it?

AA: th0u pr0tests t00 much

TA: iit2 not gonna happen. there2 more of a chance of me gettiing iinto a three way wiith kk and dave and haveiing whatever kiinda freaky 2ex they have.

AA: like y0u w0uld ever get int0 a three way

TA: maybe ii would, aa. maybe ii liike the iidea of having 2ex with two people.

AA: nah y0u w0uldnt g0 f0r it because that w0uld make three p0eple in t0tal

AA: i just cant see y0u in a three way

TA: 2top tryiing two iimagiine me haviing 2ex.

TA: go two bed. stop talkiing two douchebag2. you de2erve better.

AA: night s0llux

AA: get s0me sleep t00

AA: wait s0llux

TA: what2 up.

AA: d0 y0u think that benv0li0 and mercuti0 were having sex

TA: oh my god aa go the fuck two bed.

            For some reason your terrible talk with Aradia did make sleep come easier to you. Your dreams were most often filled with numbers. Mostly ones and zeros, occasionally a two. However tonight sends you into a slightly nicer version of the coffee place you work at.

            Not that you have very much time to admire the interior of your dream because you find yourself crashing into the ground, a flash of brown hair before a mouth is soft under yours. A pair of hands trace their way from your hips to slide into your hair.

            You run your hands down the person in your lap and feel that it’s a man. Not that it really matters. Your brain doesn’t supply you with dreams this vivid or nice most of the time so you really should make the most of it. You grab the back of his neck as he bites your bottom lip and a low groan wells at the back of your throat. Your tongue flicks into his mouth and you taste cocktail sauce. You grab and handful of his ass and shift him so that his hips fit with yours and he quickly moves from your lips to your neck. He’s slowly sucking down and biting at your collar bone and-

            You jolt awake. Your alarm clock shows you that it’s only four am. Maybe you should be glad you woke up when you did. The last time you had let a dirty dream run its course, Karkat had managed to somehow find out and mocked you relentlessly for days. “Oh my god! Sollux has issues like the rest of us! Sollux isn’t above us and isn’t in prefect control of his subconscious!” Not that you ever said that you had perfect control over your subconscious, though you may have implied it. You probably somewhat deserved Karkat mocking you for wet dreams.

            Ignoring the throbbing in your boxers you try once again to drift off to sleep. You really can’t afford to be a zombie. Maybe Karkat can get by on four hours of sleep a night but your brain needs the rest. You’re implying to yourself that Karkat doesn’t use his brain as much as he could. You feel kind of bad and give a half-assed mental apology to imaginary Karkat. Then you’re out.

 

* * *

 

            You’re eating the last of the peanut butter and taco shells when Karkat joins you at the kitchen table. Well, actually your table is just two coffee tables you two found while dumpster diving but you’re not complaining.

            Karkat’s in a bathrobe and his hair looks like a tornado hotspot.

            “Morning sunshine.” you say.

            He grunts some words that kind of sound like curses. You’ve known him long enough to know that means something along the lines of ‘Good morning to you too. I love you and you have honestly been an amazing friend for me, and I appreciate you so much for sticking with me. However, there’s a stick up my ass the length of a grey whale and I’m only 5’3'' so fuck you.’

            You slept terrible. You had at least three similar dreams to the first, breaking your old record of one for most sex-related dreams in one night. However, you continued waking up before anything really heated up. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe your brain was reminding you that you’re too awkward to even finish getting laid in your own dreams.

            Karkat growls at you. Probably to tell you that he wants your attention.

            “How did you sleep?” you ask, already knowing that the answer is, shitty.

            “I don’t know Sollux, how did you sleep?” There’s just a tiny more bite to his words than usual.

            “Shitty. I kept waking up.”

            “You kept waking me up.” He takes a sip of the coffee you set out for him. “So, how did you meet Eridan?”

            “I met him about a week ago. He orders coffee from me. We were forced to tolerate each other for dinner with Feferi. How did you know I met him? And why does this matter?”

            “Sollux, do you know why you kept me up last night?” His voice cracks a little.

            You hope that it’s not what you suspect.

            “I dunno KK. You couldn’t stop thinking about how long it took Ronald Regan to die and how he’s probably still a better coder than you?”

            “Look, Sollux, I don’t know what you see in Eridan, and I’m not sure if you can even help it, but I would rather not have to *hear* you seeing something in Eridan.” he smirks “more like hear you seeing nothing on Eridan.”

            A blush reaches the tips of your ears and your face heats up. You know what he’s telling you and there is no way it could be true. This is some kind of joke. You were not dreaming about Eridan. Full-fledged, calm denial was what you needed to do right now.

            “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Maybe I would if you didn’t insist in talking in pretentious riddles to feel more linguistically advanced than the rest of us.”

            He tilts his head back in mock ecstasy. “Oh Eridan! Oh please oh please Eridan!” He lets of a chorus of squeaky moans that one hundred percent do not sound like you. You pray that the hotness of your face wasn’t as visible as it felt like.

            “KK, I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

            “Sollux, you’re full of shit. Even more so than usual. I know you had sexy-time dreams with Mr. Cape-Douche. The whole block probably knows. Try to keep your pathetic wailing down next time.”

            You jam your face directly into your bowl of cereal to symbolize defeat.

            “Karkat, I did have some dreams last night. But they weren’t about Eridan.” Your voice is muffled by milk and cornflakes.

            “Listen lispy, I can barely understand your voice as it is. Stop pretending that bowl is Eridan’s fucking crotch so I can hear you.”

            You burst your face out of the bowl, milk flying everywhere. “Oh my god, KK, shut up. I’m not getting you anything for Chanukah this year.”

            “You said that the last three years in a row and lied every time. Anyway, stop dodging the subject.”

            “I’m not dodging the subject, you’re just lying. There is no way in hell I was dreaming about Eridan. Did AA put you up to this? Is this some elaborate plot to get me back for having a slightly dickish demeanor for the last thirteen years?”

            “Why would Aradia have put me up to this, fuckass? We’ve only talked twice in our stupid pointlessly cruel lives.”

            You can’t take much more of this. Maybe you really were dreaming about Eridan. It still didn’t mean you liked him; once you had a sex dream about Steve Jobs.

            “KK, if you drop this charade I’ll write that code you want.”

            His face softens for the possibly the first time in his life. He glances over his shoulder for a few seconds.

            “Alright, but you have to make it so I can say ‘fuck’ again too.”

            “Deal."


	6. The One Where No Major Plot Points Happen Or Maybe They Do I Haven't Read This In A While

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My fav thing about this is that no one dies.

            You’ve been rehearsing in your head about how you’re going to look at Eridan with your usually (slightly disdainful) straight face. It was best to forget this had ever happened. Knowing Eridan’s observation skills, blushing or stammering would probably give away that something had changed. It was easier thought than done, though.

            He strolls in, carrying his usually demeanor with him. His hands are busy attempting to tie a (violet, of course) tie. He must have been in a hurry to get out the door this morning. You would hope that Eridan not having enough time to get ready would make him look shitty, but no. The fucker has been able to pull off slightly ruffled hair and light circles under his eyes. No one pulls of circles under their eyes.

            He hurries over to your counter, still struggling with his tie. Luckily he speaks before you do, as to not expose the nerves of seeing a man you couldn’t stand to be around who you may have had a sexual dream about.

            “Fuck you too.”

            “What?” you ask. You hadn’t even said anything.

            “You wrote ‘FU’ on my drink yesterday. I’m simply replying to your statement.” he says, without even blinking.

            “I thought you said you weren’t gonna bother to look it up.”

            “And I thought that maybe after you saw other people with styled hair at a restaurant you might drag a comb through yours, but that didn’t happen.”

            Your hair wasn’t usually that messy. You reach up and discover that there are some cornflakes in there from this morning.

            “I know you’re poor, Sol, but food does not belong in your hair.” He gives you wide eyes and says it like he’s talking to a small child.

            “Sorry. I live secretly in the cornflakes factory. Not all of us can afford our own house.”

            He’s still pathetically struggling with his tie as your brush the cereal out of your hair.

            “Out of all people I would expect you to know how to tie a tie.”

            “I’ve only ever worn bowties and bolo ties.” Wow, bolo ties. You remind yourself again that Eridan is in fact a major tool.

            “The trick is to not do what you’re doing right now.” you say “You look like you’re trying to strangle yourself. Oh shit, maybe if I hadn’t of warned you, you would have.”

            He raises an eyebrow. “What do you know about ties?”

            “I’ll have you know I was enough of a stud to wear a tie ever day to the fourth grade.”

            He snickers. “I heard about the light-up sneakers you used to wear too.”

            “Stop talking to people about how I used to-“ you start, suddenly distracted by his pathetic attempts to wear a simply neck tie.

            “Goddamn it, ED.” Before you can stop yourself you lunge forward, fixing his tie in a matter of second. You ignore the fact that he smells like roses and sandalwood, and the bright blue of his eyes that goes so well with the shade of lilac he’s picked out.

            He looks surprised. “You called me ED. What does that mean?”

            Shit.

            “It means your name is to pretentiously long so I gave you a shorter one. Are you gonna order something or are you just gonna stand there?”

            His bottom lip juts out just a little. “I think you know what I want.”

            You sigh. “I already made it five minutes ago.”

            You hand him a cup that says ‘Erifin Shrimp-Tempora’ and he groans.

 

* * *

 

            The next day he’s not wearing purple, and you almost drop the drink you were making out of surprise. He’s wearing a pair of pink skinny jeans that are even tighter than usual. You’re not sure how he can honestly function in them; they should be cutting off his blood circulation.         

            “How come there’s never a line when I come in here?” he asks.

            “You miss the lunch rush. And you scare people with your royal-douche demeanor. Want your drink or not?”

            “Actually, I was gonna get an ice tea. And I missed lunch. I want a bagel. Toasted.”

            You sigh. “I already made you a white chocolate mocha.”

            “Not my problem.”

            You take a sip of the drink you had made for him, because you really didn’t like to see anything go to waste.

            “A lot of things must not be your problems when you’re that rich.” you say.

            “Well, I am a Republican.” He says. You spit out the sip of quad shot white chocolate raspberry (with soy) onto the floor.

            “Drink much?” He says as you stare.

            “Kidding.” he continues “I’m an Independent.”

            “Of course you are” you mumble as you turn to toast his bagel. “You grew up with bigoted beliefs and recently started embracing the part of you that was in an oppressed group, which encouraged you to be more open-minded with other people. You haven’t been able to completely rid yourself of all the original beliefs you had though, even if you know they’re irrational. And you’re far too stubborn and far too much of a hipster to ever admit to being a part of an official political party.”

            He looks you up and down. “Pretty much. What’s your point?”

            “So do you think you would even be trying to be more accepting if you were straight?”

            “We’re all a product of our environment, Sol. I could ask you the same question.” he pauses. “Well, no, I guess you’re Asian and poor, so other minorities. But my original statement still stands. And to answer your question, I sure hope so.”

            You write ‘the ocean is overrated’ on his cup.

            He looks offended. “You know what, don’t keep the change today.”

            He pays in nickels.

 

* * *

 

            The next day he’s back to purple and black. However, for the first time, he walks in refusing to look in your general direction as he makes his way over.

            “Why did you have a sack full of nickels?” you ask.

            He turns his head even more. “I’m not talking to you. You insulted the ocean.”

            “You just talked to me.”

            He scoffs and finally looks you straight in the eyes. “Melee is overrated. And being good at it isn’t as important as you think it is.”

            You make a mockingly furious noise in the back of your throat. “How dare you.”

            “I bet you play with Fox.”

            “Falco.”

            “Perfect.” he smiles “You’re both dicks.”

            “You’re one to talk. What do you want? I’m not being paid to be your barista buddy.”

            “I’ll go back to the usual.”

            You turn to start the seventeen steps it takes to make his drink. “So, what was with the pink yesterday? I would think you’d know it wasn’t your color.”

            He rolls his eyes. “Please. Even you couldn’t keep your eyes off me.”

            “This is Seattle, ED. Everyone wears gray except for you. You stand out.”

            He raises his eyebrow for just a second and you realized you probably should not have told him he stood out. It was true though, any color stood out here.

            “Don’t get your purple panties in a knot, I never said it was a good thing.” you say as you write ‘all fox no items final destination’ on his cup and hand it to him.

            He gives a snort of laughter that he fails to disguise it as annoyance. Now it’s his turn to blush; the skin under his eyes turns a light pink and you notice he has a pattern of freckles.

            He turns his head. “I prefer the first Super Smash Brothers.”

            “Hipster.”

            “Melee fanboy.” He walks away, still laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's probably a way to color text buut I'm guessing it's complecated.


	7. The One With Plot And Gayness Wait This Thing Is All Gay

            You're ducking underneath your counter, cleaning up a few dried drops of a quad shot white chocolate raspberry mocha (with soy) that some idiot (you) had done a spit take with two days ago. You hear a voice and promptly bang your head in your rush to shoot up.

            “Stand much?” It’s Eridan in all his douchey glory.

            “Not really, no. We don’t have much reason to stand when hiding in a cornflakes factory.”

            “Well.” he looks you straight in the eyes “You look nice.”

            You look down and see that you are wearing your usual apron over an Aperture Science tee-shirt.

            “Are you blind, ED? I always dress like this.”

            He rolls his head from side to side to lazily crack his neck. “I know. But the party is coming up and I wanted to practice saying ‘you look nice’ to people who really don’t actually look nice.”

            Wow. You gape at him with disgust.

            He puts his palms on the counter and leans just a bit closer to you. “What do you think? Is it believable?” He clicks his tongue and winks.

            Fucking winks. You make some sort of wailing noise.

            “Don’t worry Sol, there’s a big chance I won’t be able to make that party.”

            You weigh that stament. Eridan not coming should be good, right? So why are you disappointed? You remember that you were hoping on getting Feferi a better gift than Eridan so you could rub it in his face. You tell yourself that must be it.

            You had decided to get Feferi a collection of ‘save the ocean’ themed bumper stickers. She went ape-shit bananas over stupid stuff like that.

            You are pulled back from your thoughts on justifying why you cared if Eridan showed up at the party by him snapping his fingers in your face.

            “Earth to Sollux. Give me my drink.”

            “What do you want, fish sticks?”

            He looks confused. “What?” You suddenly realize there is no fucking way he understood your lispy version of the words ‘fish sticks’ and sigh.

            “I said order something before I shove a cappuccino up your ass.”

            “I want a slice of the cheese cake.”

            “But I can’t write anything on that.” you complain as you grab him a slice.

            “It’s alright, Sol, I think I can handle skimping out on your poetic genius for one day.” He takes his slice and then he’s off.

            You remember the way he ate at the restaurant and take a quick peak to see if he eats cake with the same grace. You’re really not sure why you care so much, but work is dull.

            He eats with grace, alright. He’s got his nose buried in a text book, with a fork absent mindedly placed between his lips. When he turns the page, he slides the fork out of his mouth and gives the same eye-lid flutter that he did with the cocktail sauce at your dinner out.

            What an asshole.

 

* * *

 

You’re bussing your way to work when your phone buzzes.

CC: )(ey Sol! I’m )( to give you the details for my party.

TA: lay them on me.

CC: Just click t)(is link!  [party.plans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) [  
](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

TA: ff, ii already know that2 a riickroll. 

CC: You’re a crafty lass, Sollux.

CC: Anyway, you remember w)(ere I live, rig)(t?

TA: ye2, ii could never forget a place ii threw up iin

TA: iit kiinda 2tiick2 iin your miind.

CC: W)(ale, my party starts at six and goes to twelve.

TA: ii2 everyone commiing?

CC: Everyone but Vriska.

CC: I didn’t want Tavros and Karkat to have emotional breakdowns.

CC: W)(y do you ask? )(oping someone in particular will be there?

TA: no, ju2t wonderiing.

CC: Eridan will be there. 380

TA: not 2ure why you thiink ii care, but ok.

CC: Do you want to know what the t)(eme is?

TA: ii already know what the theme iis.

CC: It’s under the sea!

TA: who would have gue22ed.

TA: that2 the 2ame theme that youve had the la2t twelve year2 iin a row.

CC: T)(is time it’s different!

CC: It’s coral under the sea t)(emed! So wear brig)(t colors and bring five dollars instead of a present.

CC: All proceeds will go to saving the coral reefs!

TA: iill get you a pre2ent anyway.

CC: If you insist! But bring five dollars too because t)(at’s the important part.

CC: Coral reefs are an extremely important part of our ecosystem.

TA: you know that there are chiilren on land 2tarviing, riight?

CC: 38(

TA: iim 2orry, ff. youre very chariitable. iill briing the fiive dollar2 and iim 2ure your party wiil be ae2ome.

CC: I )(ope you )(ave a

TA: fef no not agaiin

CC: W)(AL-E OF A TIM-E! GLUB GLUB MOT)(-ERFUCK-ER! 38)

TA: goddamn iit ff.

CC: I gotta go. Can you give Aradia and Karkat the details for me?

TA: 2ure thiing.

CC: You don’t )(ave to tell Aradia and Karkat to bring money.

TA: thank2 for lookiing out for our poorne22, ff. a2 you may know, kk and ii have been forced two liive iin the cornflake2 factory.

TA: aa live2 iin a rolled up wet new2paper.

TA: iill tell them to briing two dollar2 each.

CC: Thank you Sollux! Be t)(ere tonig)(t!

            You exit off the bus and head into work. Looks like fish boy has showed up early today. He’s messing around with his laptop. As you pass by, you totally don’t look at his computer screen and see that he’s messaging someone who types in grey letters and all caps. You still are confused by the nature of Karkat and Eridan’s friendship. Aradia recently informed you that they’ve been friends for a while. But Eridan had heavily implied that he’d only been trying to be more open-minded for about a year at the most, and Karkat defiantly wasn’t someone you could see a bigoted Eridan hanging out with (the poorness, bisexuality, Judaism, yelling, ect). You realize that they probably forged some sort of strange friendship on mutual loneliness.

            Not that Eridan had ever told you outright that he was lonely. You just suspected.

            Today he’s gone all out with the detail, wearing a purple and black scarf to match his pinstriped violet pants. You’re not sure how anyone could put on jeans that tight every day and still manage to walk around. He’s wearing a soft-looking black tee-shirt with bright orange and yellow patterns of coral and you suddenly remember that you need clothes for tonight. You’ll have to talk to Kanaya.

            As soon as you make your way behind the counter Eridan is quick to get up and make his order.

            “You know, there are other baristas you can order from.” you say.

            “I needed to talk to you.”

            “Oh? Is it because FF is having us all make five dollar donations tonight and you help learning how to give money?”

            He looks confused. “Fef told me, Kan, and Nep twenty dollars. As a matter of fact, I think she told everyone twenty dollars”

            “Who did she talk to?”

            He counts on his fingers. “Gam, Equius, Tez, Kan, Nep, John, Dave, Rose, and Jade.”

            Everyone but you, Tavros, Aradia, and Karkat.

            You rub your eyebrows. “Oh my god. She thinks we’re that poor.”

            “I thought you were that poor.”

            “That’s beside the point. What’s your shitty question?” you ask.

            “Do you think I should donate seven thousand dollars and get Fef a gift, or that I should donate ten thousand dollars and not get her a gift?”

            “Are you seriously asking me just so you can rub your wealth in my face?”

            He gives a shit-eating grin. “Mostly. Also, you’ve known her longer than I have.”

            He’s a major jackass. But he seems to, on some strange level, trust your judgment. You decide on giving an honest answer.

            “Donate ten thousand dollars and get her a gift that doesn’t cost any money at all. She’ll go nuts.”

            He looks surprised and stares at you for a few seconds, as if trying to figure out if you’re telling the truth.

            “Alright.” he finally says.

            “What do you want to order?”

            “I’ll take a pumpkin spice latte and some of that pumpkin cheese cake.”

            You make a noise of disgust. “Fuck you.”

            “I will go to your manager about commenting on my orders, Sol.”

            You roll your eyes. “What do you actually want?”

            “Quad shot-“

            “Got it, princess.” You start to working on his drink.

            “So what are you going to get her?” he asks as you pour the seventh deadly sin into his drink.

            “I’m not gonna tell you. What if you steal my idea?”

            “I won’t steal your idea.”

            “Why do you care so much? We hate each other, remember.”

            He looks down. “I don’t hate you.”

            “Oh. Um. Thanks.” You know that if you truly hated him you wouldn’t bother to write some kind of joke on his coffee every day. Not that you would ever tell him that. But he probably already knew.

            You ignore the awkward silence and the frantic emotions raging through you as you pen ‘My other car is a yagt’ on his cup.

            “Well, it is.” he says as he walks away.

 

* * *

            You’re on your way home from work when you decide to message Kanaya about your choice of attire tonight.

TA: kanaya, ii need 2ome fa2iion adviice.

TA: for the party toniight. ii cant beliieve iim actally uniironiicly a2kiing thii2 but what would go well wiith my 2kiin tone.

GA: Looking To Impress Someone Sollux?

TA: oh my god no

TA: and iif ii wa2 iit stiill wouldnt be any of your buii2ne22.

TA: 2eriiou2ly why iis everyone so bent on learniing about the priivate a2pect2 of my liife.

TA: ii really dont have the energy for iit two be the 2ollux 2how all day every day.

GA: I Didnt Realize You Were So Tense

GA: Youre Right It Really Isnt Any Of My Business

TA: damn riight. thii2 ii2 my 2hiity liife.

TA: got a call from an’ old freiind we u2ed two be real clo2e.

TA: 2aiid he couldnt go on the ameriican way.

TA: clo2ed the 2hop, 2old the hou2e, bought a tiicket two the we2t coa2t.

TA: now he giive2 them the 2tand up routiine in la.

TA: ii dont need you two worry for me cau2e iim alriight.

GA: I dont Need You To Tell Me It’s Time To Come Home

TA: ii dont care what you 2ay anymore thii2 ii2 my 2hitty liife.

GA: Go Ahead With Your Own Life Leave Me Alone

TA: thank2. good mu2iic is lo2t on aa and kk.

GA: I Didnt Know You Admired Billy Joel So Much

TA: of cour2e ii do. hi2 mu2iic ii2 2o blue collar.

TA: anyway were gettiing off track.

TA: back to my skiin tone.

GA: If You Wish Sollux I Could Just Come Over And Bring Something

TA: knowiing you, there ii2 2ome kiind of catch.

GA: Truthfully I Have Been Looking For A Favor

TA: let me gue22. you want me to hack 2omeone2 iinstant me22agiing 2ystem.

GA: Yes That Would Suffice

GA: Sorry For The Apparent Lack Of Originality

TA: who are you aiimiing two hack?

GA: Vriska

TA: ii wa2 already planniing on hackiing her twoniight.

TA: kk a2ed a2 a favor

TA: ii was planniing on doiing 2omethiing 2iimple liike turniing her eiight2 intwo niine2.

TA: ii fiigured that would pii22 her off.

TA: unle22 you had a 2pecial reque2t.

GA: No I Feel That The Simplicity Of That Would Be Perfect

GA: Rose And I Will Bring The Clothes In A Few Hours

GA: I Would Appreciate It If You Wouldnt Mention It To Her

GA: She Finds The Whole Thing To Be Quite Childish And She Is Probably Right

TA: alriight iive grown about two iinche2 2iince the la2t tiime you picked out clo2e for me.

GA: I Trust That Even With This Growth Spurt Your Body Has Still Refrained From Gaining Weight

TA: yea pretty much

GA: I Will See You Soon

GA: And Sollux?

TA: what?

GA: Dont Forget To Eat

            You arrive at your dorm and even manage to shove an apple into your mouth as you sit down with your computer. You’ve grown to somewhat appreciate Kanaya nagging you to eat more; you would probably have let the scale dip below a hundred by now if you’d never met her. You’re working on your code as you eat, considering maybe adding in a glitch that would change all five letter sentences to “Nic Cage is the worst’. You honestly would have done this hack anyway. You weren’t exactly Vriska’s biggest fan.

            Karkat’s laptop is right next to where you’re sitting on the couch and it admits a ding. You open it up and come face to face with the conversation Eridan had been having with Karkat in your coffee shop earlier today.

            You quickly close the laptop. Bad Sollux, bad friend.

            Still, your curiously was peaked.

            You can’t help it. Well, you could help it. You could very easily just put the laptop down and not take advantage of Karkat’s habit of forgetting to lock his computer (which you could have gotten though anyway, but that’s not the point here). But you open it anyway and scroll up as far as it will let you.

CG: DO YOU WANT TO BORROW IT OR NOT?

CA: i guess

CG: SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU EVER CARED ABOUT ROMANCE NOVELS?

CA: i dont knoww recently ivve just been findin’ myself more interested in romance as it exists in social interactions

CG: WELL I SURE HOPE THIS ISN’T BECAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO WOO SOMEONE. BECAUSE I’M STILL RECOVING FROM THE SECOND HAND EMBARRESMENT THAT YOUR STUPIDITY LED YOU INTO LAST TIME.

CG: SERIOUS, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT DOESN’T SEE THAT ROSE IS A LESBIAN? ARE YOU BLIND?

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, NOT EVEN BEING BLIND IS AN EXUSE. I’M PRETTY SWOOPY DOOPY SURE THAT TEREZI FIGURED OUT ROSE WAS A LESBIAN IN ABOUT SEVEN SECONDS.

CA: did you actually just say “swwoopy doopy”

CG: GOD DAMN IT SOLLUX CAPTOR AND HIS 2ollux ii2 the be2t ii love hiim very much HACKS.

CG: OH MY GOD!

CG: I CANNOT HANDLE THIS I AM SO

CG: *FUQING*

CA: yea yea kar

CA: so wwhat are you getting fef for her birthday

CG: SOME CRAB PATTERNED DRAPES.

CG: BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS COME TO.

CA: im getting’ her some seashell earin’s i made in my shop class

CA: ivve been plannin’ it for a few months

CA: and donating some money

CG: I SUPPOSE YOU WANT ME TO ASK HOW MUCH MONEY SO YOU CAN LORD IT OVER MY HEAD.

CA: just ten thousand dollars

CG: NO OFFENSE ERIDAN BUT “YOUR VEHICLE IS PARKED SQUARELY IN THE ‘NO BODY GIVES A FUQ’ ZONE.”

CA: wwhy wwas part of that in quotations

CG: BECAUSE THE AUTHOR OF THIS STOLE THAT LINE AND DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THEY CAME UP WITH IT.

CA: wwhat?

CG: WHAT?

CA: forget it

CA: is sol coming to fefs party

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: YOU CARE.

CG: I KNEW IT. CONGRATS YOU TO CAN BE PATHETIC LITTLE SHITS TOGETHER AND RAISE PRETENTIOUS CHILDREN.

CA: wwhat no

CA: I just wwant to knoww because i plan on showwing up to the party better dressed then him

CG: THAT’S THE SADDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD.

CG: HERE, ENJOY THIS SONG I WROTE YOU WITH A VIOLIN AND MY ASSHOLE.

CA: kinky

CA: speaking of assholes i gotta go order some coffee from one

CA: ill see you at the party

CA: or should i say

CG: DON’T YOU DARE!

CA: ill SEA you at the party

CG: *GIGGITY GOSH*

CG: WAIT A MINUTE...

CG: WAIT A MINUTE! ERIDAN, YOU'RE GAY WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO DATE ROSE? 

            There’s a few things running through your head right now.

            One: You’re a shitty friend for doing this.

            Two: You really should fix Karkat’s messaging systems so he can swear all he wants, because honestly, Karkat not saying ‘fuck’ is just a little scary.

            Three: Eridan is a dick.

            Four: Why would Eridan ask you what to get for Feferi when he already knew what he was going to do? Was it because he wanted a second opinion? But he said he had been planning it for months.

            You decide it really isn’t worth spending all your time thinking about Eridan and hear a knock at the door. You promptly get up to let Kanaya and Rose in. Kanaya is carrying what looks like several clothing options and Rose is holding a bag, which to your horror, seems to be filled with hair products.

            Kanaya starts speaking first as Rose settles them in. “So, I’ve decided that red and blue will complement each other and you the best.” She pulls out a pair of ocean-colored pants that have no holes in them, confusing you for a second.

            “These should fit.”

            You pull of your I’ve-owned-these-since-highschool jeans and grab the pants Kanaya is holding out for you. The material is softer and cleaner than what you’re used to. You notice Rose staring at your legs.

           “Ladies, please, control yourselves. This is what a 29 inch waist looks like.” you mock.

           “Actually Sollux,” Rose says “I was thinking that you actually have nice legs. You’re thin, but it works for you in a way.”

           You stare. “I thought you were gay.” Rose and Kanaya give twin glares.

           “Sollux, just because I don’t wish to take you out to the ball and copulate with you on the dance floor doesn’t mean I can’t admire you.”

           “You’re right. That was a stupid statement. I trust your fashion judgment.” It was true, you did. You pull on the pants. They fit perfectly, if just not a little tight. Kanaya turns you around in a circle.

           “I approve.” she says “They make your ass stand out.”

           You’re slightly lost for words and she shoves a red-orange short-sleeved dress shirt in your hands. You unfold it and discover it has bright blue swirls of lines, creating sea-life patterns. You put it on and find once again that it’s just a tad tighter than what you’re used to. However, you really like the way the red and blue look together. You’ve never really done that much thinking about colors, but something about these two just feels right.

            Your thoughts are halted, however, as a pair of hands start raking goo non-consensually through your hair. You jerk your head.

            “Sollux, it will be over soon. You’ll be fine. You won’t melt if we style your hair.” Kanaya finishes with whatever mystery element she’s scraped onto you and hands you a mirror.

            You actually look kind of stylish.

            Kanaya grabs a small pot of blue paint and quickly turns the red collar of your shirt a blue to match your pants.

            “What are you doing?”

            She smiles. “Giving you a ‘blue collar’ I thought you might like the statement.” You groan.

            “Ok,” Kanaya starts “Just one more thing.”

            “What?”

            “Smile.”

            You automatically attempt to smile, remembering the part where you show your teeth but forgetting to pull the corners of your mouth up. Basically, you give a very strained wince and Rose giggles.

            Kanaya sighs. “Sollux, could you at least try relaxing your face?” she reaches her hands forward and massages your cheek bones, forcing the wince right out of you. She flashes you the mirror again, and you see that you definitely look more attractive like that. 

            But you feel more vulnerable. “I don’t like this. I look like one of those seemingly mild-mannered K-pop stars.”

            “Take it or leave it Sollux. Do you want a ride with Rose and me or have you already made plans on transportation?”

            “I made plans with Karkat. But I’ll see you there.” You say as you wave them out the door. You figure it will give you enough time to hack Vriska and un-hack Karkat before he gets  home.

            You’re just getting done with these things when Karkat bursts through the front door. He really has a bad habit of bursting through doors. Maybe his life just needs a little bit more drama.

            “Sollux, get off your fucking laptop. Who the fuck are you hacking this fucking time?”

            “Katkat, that’s a lot of fucks. Even more than usual.”

            “I fucking figured that it would be good to show the fucking world it can’t stop Karkat fucking Vantas from saying ‘fuck’ no matter how hard you try to fucking stop him.”

            “Karkat, calm your shit.”

            “Don’t tell me to calm my shit. What the fuck are you wearing? You actually look like you have a small will to live.”

            “Kanaya.” is all you say. It’s all you needed to say. You wondered if Kanaya ever got sick of people coming to her for fashion advice. Maybe not; you never got sick of people coming to you for hacking-related pranks.

            “So, why did you let Kanaya do all that shit to you anyway? You hate having stuff in your hair.”

            You shrug. “I just wanted to look nice.”

            He narrows his eyes and smiles. “Cause you know Eridan will be there?”

            “KK, no offense, but you read way too many romance novels. Stop seeing lust where there isn’t any.”

            Karkat grabs your wrist and leads you out of your dorm, locking the door behind you. “I bet you our last Ramen that you come through our door at the end of this night covered in hickys and drool.”

            “Not gonna happen buddy.” you say as you to make your way to the bus stop. “First of all, he would have to like me back. I mean, like me. Stop laughing.”

            “First of all, Sollux, you’re an idiot. Second of all, Eridan totally does like you. Do you know how often he complains about you?”

            “Karkat, that’s not love. That’s a different emotion. It’s a negative one.”

            “Oh shush. I hate Vriska but I don’t whine about her bad taste in clothing all the time. He's got these fucking heart eyes. He's been making jokes. He never makes jokes."

            You enter the bus. You pay full price for yourself and half price for Karkat, because he passes as a minor. To say you two were cheap would be an understatement.

            “Karkat, will you just drop it? For one thing, I’m straight.”

            Karkat gives you a look. “Sollux, I’ve seen you orgasm with your pants still on while my dick was in your mouth.”

            You smile. “Yea, I just wanted to see if I could say I was straight without laughing.”

            Karkat rolls his eyes. More like Karkat rolls his own face. Because when Karkat rolls his eyes, he does it to such extremes that the rest of his head is forced to follow.

            A slightly embarrassing question pops into your head. “KK, am I a good kisser?”

            He gives you that look again. “We were both drunk. Did you really expect me to evaluate how good you are with your mouth and turn it into you on a sheet of paper by next Monday?”

            He signs and is silent for a few seconds. “Yea. You’re a good kisser. Don’t think I don’t know why you’re asking.”

            You rub your brow. “It’s not gonna happen, Karkat. You’re gonna lose that ramen.”

            “We’ll see.”


	8. quick note

Hi sorry I have inconsistant editing and formatting. I got about half of it done and then lost internet. I'll have it finished soon.

My boyfriend is informing ne that I speeled inonsistantant rong u think i giv a mushroms anos whol

UPDATE: ok i finished it or something who gives a shit whhhoooooo life


	9. The One With The Party

You walk the steps of Feferi’s house and are immediately impressed. Feferi can afford things that you’ve never even dreamed off. Feferi’s house is huge, and you know from experience that she has a bowling alley and a mini-golf course. You knock on the door and a greeted with a huge bear hug from Feferi herself. She’s opted for wearing a bright, multicolored sun dress, which goes well with the deep blue lighting she’s set up all over the house.

            “You look magical, FF.”

            She grins. “Thank you Sollux. You look,” She looks you up and down and even spins you around. “Wow, Sollux, I didn’t know you had an ass.”

            “Oh my god. First everyone wants to know every detail about my non-existent love life and now everyone needs to make a comment about my butt.”

            Feferi tries to frown but you can tell she’s holding back a laugh. “Sorry, Sollux. I’m just not used to you, well, trying.”

            You groan.

            Another knock on the door and Feferi lets Aradia in. Aradia hugs Feferi and turns to look at you with a slightly surprised gaze.

            “Wow, Sollux, you clean up nice.” She walks behind you. “All this time and I’ve never known you had so much junk in the trunk.”

            “Oh my god, Radia. We all get it. Sollux doesn’t like to dress up but when he does we all should eat dinner off his ass.”

            “Don’t mind if I do, Sol.” She double taps your butt, something only she could get away with.

            “Does anyone else want to objectify me?”

            “Yea.” says Dave as he walks by. He looks over his sunglasses. “Damn Sol, you look good.”

            He turns to Karkat and wraps an arm around him. “But not as good as you, doll. What’s your name, sweet cheeks?”

            Karkat scoots away. “Bite me Strider.”

            “With pleasure.”

            Karkat proceeds to give a small smile, immediately shutting it down with a scowl. You suddenly realize Dave is wearing your missing _Earthbound_ shirt and cargo shorts.

            “Oh, Dave, I have your clothes.” You fumble around for a while in your bag and pull out the red and grey clothes you “borrowed” from him several days ago. He rolls over you and you realize he has actually showed up to a party in Heelys.

            Dave pulls off his clothes and you learn that Dave has boxers with “I heart Karkat” written on the ass.

            Karkat makes a noise of disbelief. “Dave, this isn’t a strip show.”

            Dave smirks. “If it was, none of you would be able to afford me.” Karkat tosses a pillow at the side of his head, knocking his glasses astray.

            Karkat and Dave’s grossly adorable flirting is brought to a halt as Eridan arrives. He gives Feferi a hug filled with giggles and girlyness. Not girlyness, a better word that didn’t enforce dreaded gender roles so much. If Eridan wants to be feminine than Eridan can be feminine, damn it. He’s still a douche though.

            “Sol. You look nice.” he says in the same way that he did earlier today in the cafe, and without looking at you.

            “Right back at ya, ED.” you say, following his tone. If he’s going to be passive aggressive, you’re going to be passive aggressive.

            He turns his head slightly so he’s facing you. His gaze changes from arrogant to surprise, his eyebrows raised and his mouth slightly open. He opens his mouth to say something but stares at the ground next to your feet.

            “Hey Fef, where do you want me to put the cocktail shrimp platter?”

            “Over there on that table.” She gestures to a small table with chocolate and cheese fondue fountains.

            Eridan bends over to pick up the prawns he had set on the floor for some Feferi hugging. Speaking of asses, even you have to admit that his is pretty nice. He sets the platter next to the chocolate fondue fountain. Before you can stop it, your mind sends you a very graphic image of Eridan licking chocolate off your chest, and then your lower belly.

            Whoa there, brain, this is Eridan. Stop thinking about Eridan. You blame your overactive hormones for this incident and vow never to have such nice thoughts about someone so shitty again.

            Now is not a good time for your dick to start showing up. You attempt to discreetly slide your hand into your pocket like you usually do. However, your pants are so tight you basically have to shove your hand down repeatedly to make any sort of progress.

            “Oh my god, Fef, this place looks so gorgeous. Your party planning skills are superb. Sorry I got here so early.”

            “You’re not early.” you tell him “Everyone else is just fashionably late.”

            He mumbles something about how ‘being punctual is the only way to live’. Feferi has set some music at a low volume in the background. Michael Buble’s cover of _Can’t Buy Me Love_ ends as Billy Joel’s _Don’t Ask Me Why_ starts up.

            Eridan makes a face. “Really, Fef? Billy Joel?”

            Feferi smiles. “I like him. Sollux got me into him a few years ago.”

            He turns to you with a slight look of distain. You give a mock open-mouthed smile and wave with your free hand.

            He shrugs. “Well, I just think he’s overrated. And out of date.”

            Well, that took care of your boner. While Feferi isn’t looking, you mouth ‘hipster. He winks.

            Another knock and Nepetta, Equius, and Terezi filter in. Nepetta heads straight for Feferi, and they share an even more giggle-filled hug than Eridan got. Terezi and Equius are chatting away about Terezi’s idea to make bionic limbs legally more affordable. Beside you, Aradia drools.

            “Oh my god, AA, just talk to her.” You say.

            Eridan gasps. “Someone’s having girl problems?”

            Aradia places her hand on her heart. “I’m freaking out, you guys. My flirting skills are terrible. Sollux knows that first hand.”

            You giggle slightly at the memory of the time Aradia had attempted to flirt with John; she had put him in a headlock and started a game of “stop hitting yourself”.

            “Try being aloof.” Eridan says at the same time you say “Try being nice.”

            You and Eridan lock eyes. He bites his top lip as you crack your neck.

            “Oh my god, you guys. Stop. You’re going to suffocate me with your sexual tension.” Aradia says. Your face heats up slightly and Eridan looks down. “I’ll just be myself.”

            And she’s off, leaving you to stand awkwardly with Eridan. You don’t really understand why you end up getting stuck talking to Eridan so much.

            “So, Sol, I’m digging the new look. Did your old clothes fall apart out of embarrassment?”

            “No, I just got a friend to lend me them in exchange for a favor. Because I have things other than money to offer people.”

            He gives a mock pout. “Awww that hurt almost as much as it hurts my back to carry more than five dollars in my wallet at a time.”

            “Pinstriped pants are stupid.” Dave gives an ‘oooooohhhhhh’ from across the room. That wasn’t your best comeback.

            “I bet you play Minecraft.”

            You’re slightly disappointed in yourself. You were currently losing this battle, and your stance as the King of Snark. You needed to step up your game.

            “You’re not as aesthetic as you think you are.”

            He groans. “You’re one to talk. The only aesthetic you even come close to is 90’s gamer retro, and that’s being nice.”

            “At least I don’t spend all my time thinking about the complexity of aesthetic.” A pillow beans you in the side of the head.

            “Oh my god,” Karkat says “shut up. If you idiots say aesthetic one more time I’ll-“ He’s cut off by Dave shoving a chocolate covered strawberry in his mouth and a beer in his hand. Dave tosses you a beer as well. You’re leery around alcohol; just like the rest of your family, it doesn’t take much at all to get you drunk. You’re an extreme lightweight. It took a beer about the size that Dave just handed you to get you plastered.

            You’re only experience with drinking was when you’d first moved off to college, before Dave and Karkat had started drinking. You’d had one beer, Karkat had about five, and it ended up with a drunken blowjob. Karkat had flipped his shit, but you were too relived that it was him you ended up waking up with instead of Gamzee or Vriska. You didn’t exactly want to repeat the process of getting that wasted.

            You take a sip and toss the beer to Aradia, who holds her alcohol better than anyone you’ve ever met. She flashes you a thumbs up from her conversation with Terezi.

            You decide to take advantage of the fondue table. Eridan has started making a place of chocolate-covered strawberries for the other guests. You find yourself once again fascinated by the grace of his movements and accidently shove your strawberry into the cheese fountain. Sensing a disturbance in the pretentious force, Eridan turns and smirks at you.

            “Sol, it’s too easy to make fun of you. You do it for me.”

            “I did this on purpose. It’s good.” You stick the cheese coved strawberry in your mouth. It’s not good.

            You choke it down while Eridan continues to smirk, making you want to shove his face in the fondue fountains. You once again wonder why you always end up talking to Eridan, but then you remember the fact that you had chosen to come over here. And now you were going to choose to leave.

            Over the next few hours, you’re more social than you usually are. You talk to Equius and find out that you both have interests in mathematics and computer programming. You talk to Terezi for a while about bias in the judicial system, and she laughs at the painted blue collar on your shirt, saying it’s ‘so you’. You even talk to Jade for a while about how cute dogs are.

            Right now checking your phone as Feferi, Eridan, and Aradia plaster the new bumper-stickers you got Feferi for her birthday.

CG: CAPTOR

CG: I NEED TO ASK A FAVOR.

TA: why dont you ju2t go out2iide and a2k me, you iidiiot.

CG: IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUISNESS

CG: OH GOOD I CAN SAY FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK

CG: what karkats trying to say is that he doesnt think this party could handle his naked wet body immerge from Feferis bathroom

TA: dave? 

TA: oh my god you two are crazy.

TA: you dont have two have 2ex every day, you know.

CG: and you didnt need to spend two hundred dollars on a klingon batlift but you did it anyway

CG: would you mind getting yourself home tonight because were kinda already escaping through Feferis bathroom window right now

TA: alriight, fine.

TA: but you guy2 are iicky.

CG: thats fair

            “Sollux, this is such a genius idea!” Feferi says as you return. She plasters on a sticker with a Jesus fish shape that just says ‘fish’.

            “You know,” you say. “I’ve been thinking about getting a car lately.”

            “Well,” Feferi starts, and looks at Eridan.

            “Water you waiting for?” They say together, laughing like idiots. You sigh deeply and Aradia puts her hands up in surrender.

            “I’m waiting for my next two hundred paychecks. And Karkat’s next two hundred paychecks. And I would probably have to sell my soul to Satan.”

            “That’s fair.” says Aradia. “You could always wait.”

            “Hey Aradia, could I talk to you privately for a few seconds?” says Feferi. You and Eridan shoot her betrayed looks. “It’s girly stuff.” she says apologetically.

            You know that it’s probably not girly stuff but you let it slide. Aradia and Feferi walk down the road so that they’re out of ear-shot, but not out of sight. Eridan finishes plastering the last bumper-sticker and turns to you.

            “So what’s with actually trying to look nice?”

            “I dress nice sometimes. I did at FF’s dinner.”

            “I guess. But now you’re wearing clothes that are actually tailored.” His eyes trail you up and down just a bit.

            “Why are you so observant of what I’m wearing?”

            “I think you’re pretty.” he says matter-of-factly.

            You make a choked noise in the back of your throat. “Are you trying to tell me that I’m so gorgeous you can’t stop staring at me?”

            He shakes his head. “No, I’m trying to tell you that every time I look at you I see a waste of pretty potential.”

            “Oh, so sorry that I don’t want to waste my time living up to my full “pretty potential” just so people can gawk at me every day.” you say angrily.

            “Hey, you asked why I’m so observant. I answered. Are you ever gonna answer my question?”

            You think for a while. If you were being honest with yourself you knew that you had been trying to out dress Eridan, but you knew that telling him that would only boost his ego.

            “Maybe I wanted to impress someone.”

            He moves to lean on the trunk of the car. “Who?”

            “Maybe it’s none of your business”

            He pauses for a few seconds. “I guess.”

            “Why are you so bent on being nosy?”

            “Maybe I think you’re cute when you get all riled up.”

            A deranged grunt comes out of your mouth. From his tone of voice, you can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or just trying to make you trip on your own tail.

            “Why are you such an asshole?” you mean to sound snappish but honestly, you do want to know.

            “Do you want the true answer or the fun answer?”

            “Give me both.”

            “The true answer is that with my upbringing, ego, charm, and good looks it’s impossible for me to not be, on some level, an asshole. Maybe that level is that I spend all my time trying to make other people feel bad about themselves. However, it’s more likely that I don’t want to cause any major harm to people. So I take up being slightly obnoxious and condescending on the grounds that I need to fill some sort of hole in my life.”

            “What’s the fun answer?”

            He gives you a cocky grin. “Maybe I’m just at heart a low-key asshole.”

            “I figured it would be something like that.”

            “And besides, it’s not like you’re not a low-key asshole to me. I mean, really Sol, roll back the sass.”

            “I do tend to flash you extra attitude. But I’m snarky with just about everyone.” You realize quickly that this conversation with you and Eridan has far too little bite. You should change that because you’re getting confused.

            “You are snarky with just about everyone. However, you get away with it by being extremely self-deprecating, as I noticed at dinner. But you rarely insult yourself around me.”

            “You insult me enough for the both of us.”

            He gives an actual genuine laugh. You decide you need to stop this before you start enjoying Eridan’s company.

            He ruins the moment for you by pulling out a cigarette.

            “Why are you smoking?”

            “I felt the need be just a little more aesthetic if we’re going to be talking about our thoughts.” He drapes himself over the trunk of Feferi’s car, snatching a lighter out of his pocket and placing the flame to the end of the tube. As soon as the lit cig touches his lips he bursts out into a coughing fit.

            You can’t help laughing. It serves him right for being so pretentious.

            He manages a string of words that sound like ‘stop laughing at my pain, never done it.’

            You attempt to suppress your giggles. “Why would you try to smoke if you’ve never done it before?”

            He manages to cough out the word ‘aesthetic’ and there is no stopping your snickers now. You need to end this playful banter, or Karkat and Aradia’s accusations that you want to jump this idiot will never stop.

            “ED, you are honestly the most pretentious person I’ve ever met.”

            “Sollux, I don’t think I’ve ever meet anyone who irritates me just as much as you do.”

            You rack your brain for something to say but find nothing. Luckily, Aradia and Feferi have returned so you don’t have to.

            “So Sollux.” Feferi says “See how you and Eridan didn’t tare each other to shreads even without us to stop you?”

            Eridan slides off the trunk of Feferi’s car. “Is that the real reason you two left?”

            Aradia shines a wicked grin. “Maybe. It honestly doesn’t matter anymore, does it.”

            You shrug and follow them back inside. The party is pretty much wrapping up. You and Aradia go over to say goodbye to Terezi.

            “I had fun talking to you. Thanks for teaching me all that crap about healthcare.”

            “You’re welcome. I made some of that stuff up because I thought you sounded cute and wanted to impress you, so don’t go repeating that information to anyone.” Terezi says. She slaps a phone number in Aradia’s hand and you’re impressed by her lack of beating-around-the-bush.

            “Nice smelling you again, Captor.” she says as she passes you on her way out the door. “High-five Strider for me.”

            Aradia gives you a massive smile and a thumbs-up. “Sollux, I’ll message you tomorrow. Get home safe!” She gives you a kiss on the cheek and she’s out the door as well, with a bit of a skip in her step. You’re happy that she’s happy. You grab a few chocolate strawberries, hug Feferi goodbye, and make your way out into the night.


	10. The One With Content Of A Sexual Nature Don't Sue Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't read this part is sucks.

You’re wandering out of Feferi’s enormous front yard, trying to figure out if you have enough money in your pockets for the bus ride back, or if you have to stoop so low as to ask Feferi for a few dollars. You’re so busy fumbling for loose change in your pockets that a honk from a purple sports car makes you drop pennies all over the sidewalk.

            Eridan rolls down the window. “How are you getting home?”

            “Well, seeing as the cornflakes factory is in West Virginia, I was planning on hitching a ride on some box cars, making my way across the country with some weathered but kindhearted souls, and then eventually getting shot by Dick Chaney.”

            “Sol, cut the crap.”

            “Fine.” You bend over to pick up the pennies. “I’m taking the bus.”

            “It’s not safe.”

            “I’ll be fine, shitface. I do this all the time.

            He opens the passenger door. “Do you want a ride or not, loser?”

            You briefly remember the last time you had ridden the bus this late; someone had thrown up on your shoes, and a pimp had tried to recruit you as one of his “hoes”. You growl and pull yourself into Eridan’s car, closing the door carefully. You briefly wonder why Eridan seems to care so much about you getting home safe.

            The moonlight coming in from the windows lights up his smirk as he starts the car. You feel your body grow warm and realize that Eridan’s car seat must have something wrong with it.

            “What’s wrong with your seats? Why are they so hot?”

            He gives a strained sigh. “They’re heated seats, Sollux. They’re supposed to do that.”

            “Sorry for not knowing what it’s like to live a life of luxury.”

            “Shut up and tell me where you live.”

            “Since you asked so nicely.” You give him your address and he takes off. He’s an annoying driver, refusing to drive over the speed limit.

            “I thought I was supposed to be the slow driver.” you say.

            “What, are you trying to get me to make a racist joke about Asians?”

            “Yes.”

            He’s quiet for a few minutes. “What are your parents like?”

            You’re too tired to even wonder why he’s asking. “I don’t know. My mom’s accent is too hard to understand, and my father refused to talk to me until I get a four-year college degree.”

            “Really?”

            “No Dipshit, they’re my parents. They yell a lot and care about me.”

            He gives another annoyingly charismatic smile.

            “Where are you from?”

            He can’t be serious. “I was born in America. Are you trying to figure out what part of Asia my ancestors are from so you can know if it’s stereotypically appropriate to hire me to complete your Sudoku puzzles?”

            “No, Sol, calm your shit.”

            There’s another pause before you speak again. “I’m Korean.”

            “North Korean or South Korean?” You flash him an extremely annoyed stare.

             He looks down. “That was a stupid question, wasn’t it? Sorry. I’m really bad at this.”

             You cross your arms. “Why are you asking me all this stupid shit anyway?”

             “Sollux, has it ever occurred to you that I might just be trying to get to know you a little better?”

            It hadn’t occurred to you. “Why would you ever want to know someone like me?”

            “Because you drive me crazy.” he says as he parks his car in the street bellow your complex.

            You raise both eyebrows. Something inside of you snaps just a little. “That doesn’t make any sense! Oh my god Eridan, why do you hang around me if I drive you crazy?”

            He looks down again and runs a hand through his hair. He spends a couple seconds with a look on his face like he’s contemplating something.

            “Because I can’t stop thinking about you.”

            You’re pretty sure you heard him wrong. In any case, hotness travels over your body, and it’s not the seat this time.

            “What?”

            “I said I can’t stop thinking about you. For the last week or two I have barely been able to tear my thoughts away from you.”

            “What?”

            “Oh my god Sollux! You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met in my entire life. Here.” A hand grabs your chin and pulls you towards him. Your brain really doesn’t have time to register everything. One moment you’re feeling his warm breath on your face, and the next his lips are pressed against yours as his hand cups your face. It only lasts for a few seconds, as he pulls away and looks down. You hope he can’t hear the hallow thumping of your heart that doesn’t seem to want to shut up.

            Your thoughts are whizzing by and you rack your brain for something smart to say.

            “What?” you say for the third time.

            Eridan groans and pushes his face into his hands. “I’m only gonna say it one more time, Sol. I cannot, for the life of me, stop thinking about you.”

            You’re still confused. “Did you just kiss me?”

            Eridan lets out a cry of surrender. “Yes! Oh my god, you are so stupid.”

            “Maybe you should do it again so I understand be-“ your words are immediately cut off by him grabbing the back of your neck and kissing you again. His mouth slips open, and you reach up to run your fingers through his hair. He runs his tongue against the seam of your mouth. You waste no time, sucking his bottom lip and releasing it with a snap. A small part of your mind yells about how unreasonable and ridiculous this situation is. However, your thoughts are pushed as you let yourself give in to him. His mouth works against yours as you admit to yourself that you want this. And most of all, you deserve this. He pulls away sharply, bringing you back from your mental debate. He swiftly climbs into his back seat, and tugs on your shirt.

            “What makes you so sure I’ll gonna come back there?” you ask.

            “Oh please. You’ve been eye-fucking me all night.”

            “Shut up.”

            “Make me.” That’s an invitation if you’ve ever heard one. You practically jump into the back seat, positioning yourself in his lap and crushing his mouth angrily with yours. You run your hands along his hips and bite down on his lip. He lets out a sharp moan as he cups your ass. You suck your way down his neck, biting at his collar bone. Fuck, he smelled good. The smell of rose and sandalwood that you caught when you tied his tie is more prominent now, mixing in with the hazy scent of lust. He slips his hands under your shirt, rubbing up your stomach. He bites along your jaw bone, sucking at until you let out a short gasp. He continues pushing up your shirt as you slide your hands roughly up the backs of his legs.

When he runs his hands over your nipples, you let out a needy moan that you immediately feel embarrassed about.

            He smirks. “A little kinky, are we Sol?”

            You open your mouth to deliver something witty, but are cut off by him smacking your butt. You let out a squeak and bury your face in his shoulder.

            “Definitely kinky.”

            “Shut up, ED, that’s not even that kinky.” You say as he pulls your shirt over your head. His mouth latches onto your neck, and wow, he is good with his teeth. He rubs your hips as he brings his mouth lower to your chest, flipping you onto your back. He sucks hard on your right nipple and you grab a handful of his hair, yanking him up to your mouth and attacking his lips with yours. You make frantic grabs at his shirt until he pulls it off for you with a roll of his eyes. The sane part of you tells you you’re taking this way too fast. The rest of you wants to know what it feels like to run your fingers up Eridan bare legs, to cup your hands around his ass.  He continues exploring your neck as you slip your hand down the side of his pants.

            He kisses you again. “Want something?” he says into your mouth.

“Shut up.” you say for about the third time, as you slip your other hand into his back pocket.

He lifts himself up to sit down on your crotch and skillfully grinds his ass into you, smirking at you.

            “You’re too easy, Sol.”

            You open your mouth to say ‘shut up’ again, but he gives a particularly hard grind and it comes out a low groan. Between his perfect ass rutting into you and his hands rubbing your sides, you are obviously losing the fight for dominance right now. You make a mental promise to yourself that you are not going to come in your pants, no matter what.

            With a strain, you reach for his belt buckle, and make a failed attempt to undo it. However, you succeed in communicating to Eridan what you want. He gets off you and quickly slides down his pants, reveling a pair of purple boxer-briefs. You’ve always thought the idea of tight pants sliding down smooth legs was somewhat erotic, and now you’re getting to witness it first-hand. He undoes the button on your pants with one hand, pulling them down and smiling at the stain of precome on your boxers.

            “Really Sol, how bad did you want me?”

            You answer honestly. “Fuck you.”

            He slides your own pants down. “That bad, huh.”

            “Fuck you!” you say again as you climb on top of him again, jamming your leg in between his. You tug lightly on his hair and nibble on his ear, earning a moan from him. You grab is wrists and pull them above his head, rutting your leg into his crotch. Now it’s your turn to smirk.

            “Humping my knee, that’s pretty embarrassing.”

            He smacks your butt again and a high pitched moan escapes your lips.

            “That’s what I thought.” He says, running his teeth against your lower lip. You clearly need to step up your game.

            So you run a hand between his legs to grab him through his boxers, leaning back just a little to enjoy the flush on his face and chest. Your hand moves just enough for it to be considered a tease.

            “Want something?” you say, mimicking his tone from earlier.

            “I mean, it would be nice, but I’m not gonna beg.”

            “Are you sure about that ED?” you stop tugging his cock through his briefs and even take a little pressure off his body.

            He whimpers and grabs your hand, placing it down the front of his boxers. You wrap your hand around him and he gasps.

            “That’s what I thought.” you say, mimicking his tone again.

            You enjoy watching him, the way his eyes are strained shut and how his hands grip the sides of the car seats next to him. You admire how running your thumb over the head of his dick makes his back arch just a little, and how speeding up makes his breath hitch. You continue for a few minutes, running your other hand over the smooth skin of his back.

            You pull his underwear down all the way, positioning yourself over him so you can slip your tongue into his mouth while you jack him off. You speed up a little, making him moan right into your mouth which is just about the hottest thing you could imagine. Your kisses become rougher as Eridan practically thrusts himself into your hand and squirms. You suck hickys down his chest, wanting nothing more than to watch him spill all over himself.

            “Sollux?” he asks.

            “What is it?”

            His pupils are blown wide, glasses askew, and breathing heavy. You’re suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to paint him in this state.

            “Sollux?”

            “What is it, ED?”

            His back arches. “Fuck!” he screams as he orgasms, a long, high moan ringing out as he shoots cum onto his stomach.

            You defiantly wanted to paint that.

            You lower yourself and sit next to him as he attempts to collect himself.

            “Did you just scream ‘fuck’ and jizz all over yourself?”

            “Sorry I didn’t have a snarky zinger ready for you.” he says, too breathless for it to have his usual bite. He looks over at you.

            “Can you pass me a tissue from the box in the front seat?”

            You grab him one and toss it too him, scared of what he’s going to say next. Worried that he’ll tell you this was some kind of mistake, and leave you to walk back to your apartment with a raging hard-on.

            Instead he cleans himself off with a tissue, gets on the floor, and settles himself between your legs.

            “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” you say, with just a little tremble in your voice.

            He looks up at you with big blue eyes and a pout like he’s the most innocent little angel in the world.

            “What do you think?” he says with a cocky grin.

            You tremble slightly as he runs his hands up your thighs and pulls down your underwear, tossing it somewhere in the front of his car. He carefully places his glasses on the divider between the two front seats and turns back to you.

            He looks up at you again with a pout. “What do you want, Sol?”

            You know this is his way of getting you back for making him beg earlier. You also knew that it was totally going to work; who knew how long you had been suppressing your lust for this bastard.

            “Touch me, please.” you whine. You run your own hands along your thighs, suddenly starved for contact.

            He smacks your hands away. “Touch you where?”

            “Eridan, will you please shut up and just suck my di-“ you’re cut off by him licking up the length of you.

            He looks up at you again. “You want that?”

            “Yes, please Eridan. Please.” Your words are more breathless than you’d care to admit.

            He takes you into his mouth and you let out a relieved groan. You card your fingers through his hair, and he moans, sending vibrations up your spine. His hands are running over the curve of your hips and thighs as you grab his head and grind your hips slightly into his mouth. He’s just letting you fuck his face, and the notion is almost enough to send you over the edge. You look down and admire the way he looks between your legs, his soft hair under your fingers and tongue occasionally coming into view.

            “Shit, you look nice down there, ED.”

            “Do I?” he says directly into your cock, making you shudder.

            “Oh my god you have no idea.” you half mumble, half cry. You’re not sure if you’ve ever been this turned on in your life, and you feel yourself approaching the point of no return.

            He speeds up just a little and grabs your back, pushing you even father into his mouth. You’re not sure where he learned all this crap but it’s defiantly paid off right at this moment. You’re determined to last as long as you possibly can, but his tongue is making it difficult and you feel the warmth pooling in your stomach.

            “Oh my god Eridan I’m gon-“ you’re cut off by him wrapping his arms around your lower back, hanging your legs off of your shoulders. You grab the tops of the car seats, almost completely supported by his shoulders as he grabs your ass and sucks you off. You give his hair a light tug and he gives a cute little yelp. You wanted to make fun of him for it, but the noises you were making were even more high pitched and helpless and just a little pathetic.

            It’s at that moment you realize that Eridan is the sexiest person you’ve ever met in your entire life. It’s also at that moment that the warmth in your stomach explodes, as you come straight into his mouth. You make a noise you didn’t know you could make as you shout a string of curses. He swallows you down and lowers you carefully back onto the seat.

            He climbs on top of you once more, and you rap your arms around him as you lay you both to rest horizontally in the backseats. He props his chin against your chest and gives you the most genuine smile you’ve seen yet.

            “That was nice.” he says. You let out a giggle.

            “You’re a bastard.” you try to say, but your smile gives you away big time.

            He cocks his head and stares off into the night. “I stand by what I said. I’ve never met someone who annoys me as much as you do.”

            You giggle again and pull yourself upright to kiss his forehead. “I know, right? You know how much sleep I’ve lost thinking about your stupid nose and how perfect it is?” Now it’s his turn to giggle. You’re really having a giggle party up in here. For some reason, being soft with him is even more surprising to you than the R-rated activities that just went down.

            You attempt to push him off of you. “I gotta go, dipshit, or Karkat will get worried. Get up.”

            “Can’t you just text him?”

            The thought that he actually wants you to stay is just a bit confusing to you. However, this entire night has been pretty confusing to you. You’re tempted to stay for a while, but it’s a Sunday night and the sane part of you knows that if you stay with Eridan you will get no sleep.

            “It’s Sunday, shithead. Some of us have minimum wage jobs we need to wake up early for. Now get off so I can get back to my shitty job that I need to pay for school so I can grow up and not be a ditch digger.”

            “No.”

            “What do you mean no?”

            He snickers. “It means no.” He leans down to give you the softest and laziest kiss of your life. It’s your new favorite kiss. You’ll put this kiss up on a pedestal in your kitchen to admire every day. You can feel his grin against your lips and you have a growing desire to fall asleep right here.

            You groan. “I really gotta go, ED. Help me find my underwear.”

            He gets off you with another pout, but tosses you your boxers. You silently help each other find your clothes, and with shaky legs, you step out of the car. He gets out with you.

            “ED, you don’t have to see where I live.”

            “I want to.”

            “You’ll just make fun of it.”

            He flashes you his biggest smile of the night. Then, in several quick movements, scoops you up and throws your thin frame over his shoulder.

            “Shit, put me down.” You bite your tongue to keep from laughing.

            “No.” he says as he starts to carry you up the stairs “What floor are you on?”

            “Two.” you cross your arms and accept your fate, knowing full well that Eridan is enjoying himself far too much. At least you can admire his ass this way. You bounce slightly as he carries you up the stairs. He’s stronger than he looks, must have gained some muscle while fox hunting, whatever that is.

            “Oh here, this is my door.”

            “Got it, printheth.” he says, mocking your lisp. He flips you over onto your feet.

            “Well.” he says.

            “Well.” you say.

            You stick out your hand to go for a handshake. He gives one last ‘Sollux is an idiot’ look of the night before planting a quick kiss on your slightly swollen lips.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow.” he says, and then he’s off.

            There are a billion thoughts running through your mind as you open your door. What just happened? Did you somehow dream all that? You were only about ninety percent sure that had actually happened.

            Your thoughts are halted, however, by the lights suddenly flickering on and a smiling Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boyfriend was dramaticly reading me from 50 Shades while I was uploading this and it made me feel a lot better about my smut writting skills.
> 
> UPDATE: So I can't even read this part anymore knowing that other people have read it.


	11. The One Where It Ends I Dunno Man

“You owe me a ramen.” he says, still smiling, perched on the edge of his bed (an unsupported mattress you guys had stopped from reaching the dump)

            “What?” Tonight was not your night for understanding what the fuck was going on.

            He sits up on the edge of his bed. “You’re covered with hickys, Sollux. And I’m pretty sure I can see some dried drool on your neck.”

            You groan and remember the bet. “Wait, it wasn’t Eridan.”

            “Yes it was, I just heard his voice outside our door.”

            You can still win this. “That wasn’t Eridan. It was someone who sounded like Eridan.”

            “Really, so if I look out our window right now, I won’t see Eridan’s car getting ready to drive away.”

            “Not a chance.” Maybe he’s bluffing.

            He’s not. He stands up and you immediately tackle him. He pushes you over and runs to the window, followed by you a second too late; you can both clearly see Eridan climbing into his car from the street below. You feel slightly angry at his stupid scarf, giving him away.

            “Well well well.” Karkat says as your ears heat up.

            “Oh fine. It was Eridan. Can I go to bed now and never discuss this with you ever?”

            Karkat sits down on his bed and pats the spot next to him. You reluctantly follow.

            “So, who kissed who first?” he says. Karkat is such a sucker for anything remotely romantic.

            “Oh my god, KK, stop being nosy.”

            He frowns. “If you give me all the details, I’ll make you that ramen.” You consider this for a few moments.

            “Fine. He kissed me.”

            “What did he say?” Karkat looks more thrilled than you’ve ever seen him.

            “He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me, jackass.”

            “And what did you say?”

            “I said ‘what’ out of confusion.”

            “Then what did he say?”

            “He told me the same thing over again.”

            “And what did you say?”

            “I said ‘what’ again.”

            Karkat beans you with a pillow for the second time tonight. “You’re an idiot, Sollux. But continue.”

            “I don’t know. He blew me. The end. Really none of your business, KK. I’m not some adult romance novel vending machine.”

            “So what, are you two dating now or what?”

            You sit back in frustration. “I don’t know, Karkat. This conversation is stupid. What, are we twelve?”

            “Sollux, other people’s romance is one of the only things that make life enjoyable.”

            “And that is your opinion.”

            “So do you like him?”

            “I don’t know. I’ve only known him for about two weeks, KK. Not exactly ready to get married and have him pay for a wedding.”

            Karkat looks at your face strangely for a few seconds.

            “What is it?” you ask.

            “You’re smiling.”

            You reach a hand up to your face and discover that the corners of your mouth are slightly raised. Usually your smiles only last between two and three seconds. You drop your face and feel a soreness in your cheekbones.

            Karkat raises an eyebrow. “You’re smiling.” he says again.

            “So what?”

            “Eridan makes you happy. You don’t just think he’s sexy, you like him.”

            A figure with a towel around his waist interrupts what would have probably been a wonderfully thought out shit-flip and storm out by you.

            “Who makes you happy?” Dave asks.

            You say ‘no one’ at the same time as Karkat says ‘our problematic fav’. Dave doesn’t look fazed. Not that Dave usually looks fazed, but that’s beside the point.

            “Cool. Use protection.” He picks up a condom from Karkat’s nightstand and tosses it to you. You examine it carefully. It features a crude drawling of Dave’s brother Dirk, with a speech bubble that reads “Be a safe hoe, read Sweet Bro (and Hella Jeff)”. In all honesty, you like Dirk and Dave a lot. However, you’re not sure how you feel about using any condom that has anything either of those assholes has doodled on.

            Karkat looks exasperated. “Dave, handing out condoms is the most idiotic propaganda for anything I’ve ever heard of. Could you please spend one day of your life not trying to embarrass me?”

            “I could. But I’d worry too much that you’d leave me.” Dave throws himself next to you and Karkat on the bed, laying in a seductive pose. A question pops into your head.

            “Do you think you can find someone extremely annoying and yet still be intrigued by them?”

            Karkat smirks. “Why do you think I stay with Dave? He’s a major loser and a fucking dork and way less cool than he lets on. But there’s something kinda beautiful about loving someone who annoys the fuck out of you.”

            Karkat yelps as Dave pulls him over towards him, and rests his blond head on his chest. You figure this is your queue to leave. You’ve learned that Karkat is extremely self-conscious about his cuddling sessions with Dave.

            You get up to walk over to your bed (a hopefully unused hospital cot from World War II). Dave jolts up immediately.

            “Captor, that’s not how I taught you to leave a room.”

            You sigh and continue your strut, pushing your arms up to raise the roof as you walk.

            “That’s better!” Dave says as Karkat clubs him with yet another pillow.

            Despite the thousands of thoughts running through your mind, you manage to fall asleep quickly. Perhaps is the post-orgasm hormones, but in any case, you fall asleep with the same smile painted on your lips.

 

* * *

 

            You’re behind the counter at your coffee shop, rehearsing what you’re going to say to Eridan for the umpteenth time. Mostly, you’re trying to work on not blushing immediately after he walks in.

            He walks in and you immediately blush.

            While you were back to your old clothes, he’s gone all out with the style today. He has on solid blue and black pinstriped pants (that he pulls off horribly well), and a black dress shirt with metallic blue buttons. However, his purple scarf looks just a little askew, and you can see it’s because he has tried and failed to cover the numerous marks that you left on his neck. You are reminded once again that yes, you did indeed make out with and receive a blow job from an incredibly sexy and pretentious asshole with stupid pants.

           He walks towards you a big slower than usual, and you can hear a slight click with each step. You glance down slightly and see that he’s taken to wearing boots with just a slight heel, probably at some attempt finally reaching 5’11.

          “Well.” he says. You raise an eyebrow.

          “Well?” you reply.

          “Let’s not have a repeat of last night.” he says.

          A slight weight drops in your chest. You tell yourself that it’s fine as long as he doesn’t notice you’re upset. You try to convince yourself that it’s probably for the better if you don’t continue getting sexually and emotionally invested in someone who wears really stupid pants.

          “That’s fine. I mean, it’s fine. I was thinking the same thing and I think it would be better if we didn’t. It’s fine.” You do a very convincing job of communicating to him that it is indeed fine.

          He looks confused for a few seconds and then snickers. “I meant let’s not have a repeat of us awkwardly saying ‘well’ to each other and then you actually trying to shake my hand, idiot.”

          The weight lifts off your chest and you try to suppress your grin. “Ok, I just had other thoughts since I last spoke telling me that it would be better if we did, I guess.” you blab. You hate yourself for actually uttering that sentence to another human being.

          He grins. “Smooth.”

          “Your pants are stupid.”

          “Touché. Now ask me what I want so I can say I want the barista.”

          You groan loudly and look away to hide the growing pink that’s dusting itself against your face. “What do you want?”

          He winks. “The barista.” You groan again.

          “Do you like that line?” he says “I thought of that like three minutes after I left.”

          He’s a bigger dork than Dave. “It’s pathetic. Now, what do you actually want?”

          “The usual.”

          You start to make his drink. “Nice scarf.”

          “Oh, you like it?” it’s to cover up these bruises that some giant nerd left on me.”

          “Well, whatever makes you happy.” you say. Before you can stop yourself you write your number on the mocha you made him and the message ‘call me, fuckface’ and hand it to him.

          He snorts. “Speaking of fucking face….” he trails off. You roll your eyes.

          He starts to walk away. “But yes, I will. Now shut the fuck up about it and wipe the stupid grin off your face”

          As he leaves you reach up and discover, yes, you are smiling. You have a feeling that you might be doing that a lot more in the future.

           

 

 

 


	12. So this isn't really a chapter it's just me trying to see if i can put in pictures for another fanfict I'm working on

                        TG: filler text

                       TG: filler text aksfafwfr;kgfejrkgnkerngje;rkgerjgnerregnergergagregergergwerg

                       ag Voltaire and the Marquise also studied history, particularly those persons who ha contributed to civilization. Voltaire's second essay in English had been "Essay upon the Civil Wars in France". It was followed by  _La Henriade_ , an epic poem on the French [King Henri IV](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Henri_IV), glorifying his attempt to end the Catholic-Protestant massacres with the [Edict of Nantes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edict_of_Nantes), and by a historical novel on King [Charles XII of Sweden](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_XII_of_Sweden). These, along with his  _Letters on the English_  mark the beginning of Voltaire's open criticism of intolerance and established religions.[ _[citation needed](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Citation_needed)_ ] Voltaire and the Marquise also explored philosophy, particularly [metaphysics](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metaphysics), the branch of philosophy that deals with being and with what lies beyond the material realm such as whether or not there is a God and whether people have souls. Voltaire and the Marquise analysed the Bible, and concluded that much of its content was dubious.[[62]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voltaire#cite_note-63) Voltaire's critical views on religion are reflected in his belief in [separation of church and state](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Separation_of_church_and_state) and religious freedom, ideas that he had formed after his stay in England.

                        In August 1736, [Frederick the Great](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_II_of_Prussia) initiated a correspondence with Voltaire.[[63]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voltaire#cite_note-64) That December, Voltaire moved to [Holland](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holland) for two months and became acquainted with the scientists [Herman Boerhaave](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herman_Boerhaave) and ['s Gravesande](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%27s_Gravesande).[[64]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voltaire#cite_note-65) In the first half of 1740 Voltaire lived in Brussels and met with [Lord Chesterfield](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Stanhope,_4th_Earl_of_Chesterfield). He went to see a dubious publisher Jan van Duuren in the Hague, because of the  _[Anti-Machiavel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-Machiavel)_ , written by the crown prince, and ordered it back. Voltaire lived in [Huis Honselaarsdijk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huis_Honselaarsdijk) belonging to his admirer, Frederick. In September they met for the first time in [Moyland Castle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moyland_Castle) near Cleve; in November Voltaire went to [Rheinsberg Castle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rheinsberg_Castle) for two weeks; in August 1742 Voltaire and Frederick met in [Aix-la-Chapelle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aix-la-Chapelle). Voltaire was sent to [Sanssouci](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanssouci) by the French government, as an ambassador/spy and find out more about Frederick plan's after the [First Silesian War](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silesian_Wars).[[65]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voltaire#cite_note-66)


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